Tuesday, August 24, 2010

" I get knocked down, but I get up again, You're never going to keep me down." Tubthumping by Chumbawumba

this has sort of been my motto. i always get back up. however, i broke a promise to myself and i have been feeling pretty bad about it. you see, i have researched, and read books, and gotten all of the information about my cancer that i possibly could. i have met things head on, cried if i needed to, and dealt with whatever health issues that came my way. the only thing that i did not want to know, and i promised myself i would not ask about, was what stage cancer i have. i have been in health care for over 25 years, and i have seen some people in stage two cancer die quickly, and others in stage four recover, or live for a long time. i have always thought that "staging" was just a guess, albeit, an educated one.

the other day on my lunch break, i was reading in my Thyroid Cancer book about ultrasounds. i thought that maybe the author had some insight as to why i will be getting another ultrasound in September. and right there on the page about ultrasounds was the criteria for staging thyroid cancer. i could have turned the page, closed the book or whatever, but instead i looked. i was not really surprised, i had a good idea, but to see it in writing was somehow heartbreaking. or really, hope-breaking. i have/had stage three thyroid cancer. certainly, it could be a lot worse. of course, i think that every thyroid cancer patient lives from scan to scan. i really do not feel like i can celebrate until i know that this cancer has completely and totally " left the building". and i will do whatever it takes, and with every bit of strength that i have in my body, to get rid of it.

maybe i needed to know my"stage" and perhaps i was not ready to know until now. so i got knocked down, and did something that  i had said that i would not do.i was depressed for a day or two, but i am feeling better now. it is just a label, and it does not mean, really,  anything at all. i am the same person i was before i opened Pandora's box, and i will continue to be as positive as i can be. i promise that i will get back up again. i always do.


  1. Oh Bea bless your heart! I can imagine the dispair you felt seeing that in black and white. and to tell you the truth I have never even thought about that. but you are strong. we are strong and this to shall pass... I go for my 2nd surgery on September 10 to a new surgeon in Indianapolis that only specializes in thyroids. I am hopeful and I know it's gonna be a long process but I am gonna be all right. Hang in there and know that you have lots of friends on here that really do care about you. take care my friend!

  2. to harlygrl62: i am glad you told me when your surgery is. i will certainly be praying for you. i am also glad that you have a surgeon who specializes in thyroids, that really makes a difference. it is a more complicated surgery than most people think, and you need someone who knows what they are doing. we ARE going to get through this!! take care,bea

  3. I can so relate to what you just shared. I too have 3rd stage which freaked me out, but after three "all clear" six month checks, I am feeling better about that declaration. I have so enjoyed your blog and because of you, I have started to pay more attention to my neck and am wanting to find a more educated doctor (mine admits he's never had a thyroid cancer patient). I even pressed for an ultrasound recently because of a lump in my neck that turned out to be an enlarged salivary gland, thank God. But because of your pro-active remarks, I finally had it checked out and can be at peace for awhile. You are so right, we do tend to live from scan to scan now. It's the new normal. Thanks for sharing.