" i'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in, and stops my mind from wandering where it will go....it really does not matter if i'm wrong i'm right, where i belong i'm right where i belong... i'm taking the time for a number of things that weren't important yesterday...i'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in, and stops my mind from wandering, where it will go." fixing a hole, by the beatles

i saw several posts today on one of the thyroid cancer websites that i belong to, posing the question of  how to deal with post thyroid cancer worry. specifically, worry of recurrence of the thyroid cancer or perhaps getting a second primary cancer. i have written about these possibilities in terms of percentages, where in our bodies the thyroid  cancer may return, or where we might get a second primary cancer. what i have not really discussed is the way in which we, as cancer survivors, might handle the fear and worry that we face.

i have discovered that the fear and worry of recurrence or having another primary cancer is a day to day challenge. once you have been told once, twice or even three times that you have cancer, your entire world changes. i think that most of us have what i would call a "life foundation." the majority of us  know who we are and what  our roles are  as members of a family group, members of a  work group, and what our relationship is with our friends and other social groups. when we have a cancer diagnosis, we are knocked completely off of our life foundation, and onto  uncharted ground. nothing is ever "our normal" again. our bodies have betrayed us in the worst way, and somehow we must figure out how to "redirect" ourselves, as my GPS is always telling me when i take a wrong turn on the road.

and getting a handle on  the fear and worry truly  is a day to day challenge. some days, i can barely make it out of bed. i am beyond tired- my body and my mind hurt. i will admit here that  i tend to be a worrier. and not just about myself. you name it, and i have probably worried about it or chances are good that i  will worry about it in the future. i know that this is counterproductive to living my best life. i know that worrying will not help in any way, and  yet i worry. a thyroid cancer survivor said, on one cancer website, that whenever they get the slightest ache or pain, they are convinced that it is cancer. while this may seem neurotic or over the top for those of you who have not had a cancer diagnosis, i think that it is fairly common for cancer survivors  to feel this way. we cancer patients have been knocked off of our life foundation, remember. we have been told the unthinkable, the impossible, the unbelievable and who is to say that this can not happen again?

the challenge, and it really is a  day to day process, is to find our balance again, build a new life foundation on which we can stand. how do we do this? i am trying to work this out even as we speak ( or more correctly, as i type). i am so very fortunate to have wonderful support from my family and friends. i find it especially helpful to talk with other cancer survivors. certainly no one wants to be a member of this club, but if you happen to be, these other members will be your very best friends. they will understand what you are going through like no one else possibly could - even your loving and well meaning family members.

i retired a little bit sooner than i had planned to. while i miss the interaction with my co-workers and my patients, i just felt that the job was getting too stressful for me. i felt that i could still do my job well, and that i was not endangering the lives of others, but the work was literally wringing the life out of me. i went home after work and i was exhausted- beyond just being  tired. did i really want to live my life this way? i decided that i did not. for others, it might  be a good idea to keep on working- it is such a personal  decision and there is no right answer. i gave this decision a lot of thought, and i can honestly say that i have no regrets, except for the fact that i do miss the helping people part of my job.

as i said, i am beginning to build a new life foundation for myself. i am getting to spend more time with my family and friends. in my previous  profession, i had long hours and had to work some weekends and holidays. being able to say" yes" when i am asked to go somewhere, or even better, when i am asked to  take care of my grandchildren has been wonderful.  i have started doing some crafts that i enjoy. this gives me a task or purpose, as well as being good for my brain. ( yes, chemo brain does exist). i am showing up for all of my six months tests ( thyroid, breast and skin ), and am trying to take better care of myself. i told my doctor(s ) that i want to be in the middle of a scale of one end being" neurotic" and the other end being " i don't care."

some days i am just happier than other days. some days i think that i have things pretty well figured out, and other days i feel like i haven't got a clue. but i am a work in progress, as the saying goes. i am trying my best to be my best and to stand tall on that new foundation.