Monday, May 1, 2017

" i don't want you anymore, cause you took my joy, i don't want you anymore cause you took my joy, you took my joy, i want it back, you took my joy, i want it back." joy, by lucinda williams

this has been my theme song, or my fight song, for all of  my cancer experiences. my husband and i actually went to see lucinda williams in concert last week when she was performing in asheville, north carolina. she put on an amazing show, and this song, JOY, was her final song of the evening. i was afraid that she would not perform it. obviously, it is my favorite song that she has written. i have listened to it a ton of times, and have even occasionally  sung along with her- if she only knew! better that she did not know, though. my voice has taken a little bit of a hit with my thyroid cancer/surgery. the surgeon told me that the  cancer had wrapped around my vocal cords, as well as my thyroid and two of my parathyroids. i am thankful that i had such  a skilled surgeon. i can not " hit the high notes" anymore, but at least i can talk and also  sing a little. sometimes, more often  when i was working, people will  ask me if i have a cold. i just tell them it is allergies. but i do- for whatever reason- have good and bad voice days. i am just thankful that i have a voice, period.

and i am regaining some of my joy! thanks to  this final step, the 3D nipple/ areola tattoos, in my breast reconstruction, i am feeling more " normal". i am not saying that things have gone back to how they were before i had cancer. but basically, i have managed to figure out how i can be happy now. i have wonderful family members and friends, who have given me a lot of support over the years. at first, and  i think that this applies to just about everyone who faces a cancer ( or two) diagnosis, you just deal with the medical decisions. what procedures you need to have, who will do them, where you will get treatments and/or surgery, etc. i have said this before, but your brain sort of goes on "automatic pilot" while you are dealing with these pressing medical issues. after the shock of hearing those terrible words " YOU HAVE CANCER", you just try to focus on what you need to do medically to get better.

i think that in some ways, the after your diagnosis and treatment part, can be a little tougher. there are no real guidelines as to what to do, think, say, or feel. i have read a few books and articles, written by other cancer survivors. unfortunately, there is no" one size fits all "when it comes to getting your life back on track. i have always tried to show gratitude for all of the good people and things in my life. staying positive has worked best for me. not to say that i did not have my down days, or a melt down every once in a while. but i can honestly say that i have been pretty optimistic overall. this has helped my family, i think, but it has also helped me. if you choose happiness, you can get at least some measure of it.

that said, i  am thankful for all of the support and positive comments that i have received on my "tattoo blog". it was a bit of a leap of faith on my part, to write it, but i am glad that i did. sharing experiences with others is a really good feeling, i think. and it is helping me get back some of my JOY.


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