i was trying to come up with a theme for a new blog today , and i happened to really listen to the lyrics of this new song by shelby earl ( my new favorite folk/indie singer/songwriter). today i also saw the commercial from novant health about cancer. you know, the one where the woman is in the boxing ring fighting the invisible foe, cancer. the person that came up with this commercial just had to be a cancer survivor. it is exactly like that, by the way. especially with my breast cancer- the surgery, reconstruction, and mainly the chemotherapy almost kicked my butt. i was actually ready to throw in the towel right before my last chemotherapy treatment. yes, that was me lying down on the mat, but you know what? i managed to get back up and survive.
survivorship is not a piece of cake, however. i am so thankful to have the continued support of family and friends. i am not sure why God spared me, but i am grateful that He did. i have read several blogs about what happens to people after cancer. the feelings, the after care, and most importantly, the anxiety that comes with looking over your shoulder. i try really, really hard not to do this. perhaps it will be easier, and my dark thoughts of recurrence less frequent, when i have been cancer free for longer. i have my 7 year cancerversary from thyroid cancer coming up may 19th. my 2 year breast cancer cancerversary is coming up on may 22nd. i mark my cancerversary dates as the dates of my surgeries. have i mentioned that may is my least favorite month??? and for the record, i have had 3 skin cancers ( 2 squamous, 1 basal cell) in six years. i will admit that i do not mark those dates.
i have blood work coming up on may 17th. this one is for my thyroid cancer monitoring. i noticed that my endocrinologist has checked off a lot of different tests on the order for this. i will have to tank up on water the day before and the day of the blood draw. i am a "difficult stick" and i do about anything that i can to make this easier- for me and the medical technician. i do not see my endocrinologist again until august. i will have more blood work done at the end of july for this appointment. in august, i will have my bi-yearly throat ultrasound. i also have my bi-yearly skin cancer check up coming up at the end of august. i think that i am supposed to see my oncologist in september, which means more blood work. i do not have that appointment yet- my oncologist's office will send it in the mail a little bit before i am to be seen. all of these appointments not only make me nervous, but they are hard to keep up with! i think i need a personal assistant to help me with this.
monitoring, monitoring, monitoring. it is part of taking good care of myself, but exhausting. along with all of the testing, and test anxiety, comes a fear of recurrence. i have had a sinus infection this month, but i let it go for two weeks before i called my family physician . i had a slight fever and a mild sore throat, along with the other usual symptoms. i thought it might be a sign that the cancer was back! i hate to sound neurotic, but having had cancer three times, well, it could happen again. i think that the majority of cancer patients have this fear of recurrence. rationally, you tell yourself that this could not happen again, but it should not have happened the first time, or the second, or the third. i told one of my doctors that i want to be in the middle of a scale of " neurotic" on one end, and " i don't care" on the other. sometimes i fear that i lean towards one side more than the other, but i do the best that i can.
so, i am " in this, to win it." i still have my boxing gloves on, and that is the best that i can do. that, and roll up my sleeve.
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