" i recall when i was young, my papa said, " don't cry, life is full of ups and downs like a roller coaster ride. there'll be times you'll get so scared rollin' down these hills. but you hold on tight with all your might... you go up, down, all around on a cycle that is never ending." rollercoaster, by blood, sweat, and tears.

there are times when song lyrics sum up just the way one is feeling. this happens to be the case for me. i feel like i have been on a roller coaster ride  for eight long years. oh sure, there have been plenty of wonderful times over the past few years.  but just when i think that i have made it to the crest of the hill, my coaster
 car seems to plummet over the edge again.

i remember riding the ultimate, at the time, roller coaster. that scream machine was called " space mountain" and it was at disney. my husband and i took a short trip to disney about a year after we were married. after much trepidation, i got into the coaster  car with my husband. he assured me that it would not be that bad! there were no seat belts, and the only lights were little twinkling lights that looked like stars. i can almost still hear the grinding of metal on metal as we went on our journey upward on the roller coaster track. at the top, the car stopped for a few seconds that felt like hours, then went hurling over the edge into a dimly lit abyss. i thought i was going to die. or at least get thrown out of the car. i promised God, that if i lived to get out of that coaster, i would never be foolish enough to try it again.

the image of my one time space mountain ride, a promise is a promise after all, is how i feel about having had cancer twice. it also pretty much sums up every six month checkup that i have to endure. the anxiety, the ups and downs, the feeling of being out of control. and speaking of, what has conjured up the roller coaster again, is the fact that i will be having a skin biopsy in a couple of weeks. now, i have had skin cancer twice- squamous and basal, but i do not even count those on my cancer scoreboard. no disrespect to anyone who has had to deal with aggressive squamous, basal, or heaven forbid, melanoma. there is no good cancer!

when i left the dermatologist's office yesterday, the nurse told me to try not to worry. unfortunately, when it comes to me, that would do about  as much good as telling a sailor to not worry about the weather when a hurricane is brewing nearby. i am a worrier by nature, and having had  cancer sure has played into those feelings. i feel like i am on that roller coaster again, and it is getting ready to go off of the edge. of course, everything will probably turn out o.k. i am a Pollyanna person at heart. but my track record may beg to differ with that assumption.

so many people have difficult issues to deal with. i saw that when i was working in the pharmacy. just when i thought i would feel sorry for myself, here comes this really sweet, or cranky, person who had it WAY worse than i did. that has been very helpful to me- working with people and realizing that just because someone looks fine, does not mean that they actually are doing well. one time, i was talking to another pharmacist on the phone ( we were trading prescriptions) and she asked me how i was doing. i said the usual stuff along the lines of "oh, i am doing fine,etc, how are you?" then she said, i know you have had cancer, so how are you REALLY feeling? my coworkers knew of my health issues, but i generally did not discuss it with customers or others, so it sort of caught me off guard. i also would feel  emotionally drained whenever i discussed something that i was trying, if just for a few hours, to forget. but i appreciated the other pharmacists concern, and i told her that, really- i was fine.

we never know what issues, health or other , that people are dealing with. it is very important, especially in today's world, to be kind to everyone. have a little patience with someone who is driving 20 miles below the speed limit. hold the door open for someone who is entering a store as you are exiting. say " hello in there" to quote john prine. these things do not cost any money, and can make someone's day. who knows when one might be on the roller coaster going down instead of up. as for me, i am just getting ready to" hold on tight with all my might."