"... i can't stand her doing what she did before, living like a gypsy queen in a fairy tale...well, i did not think the girl could be so cruel and i'm never going back to my old school." my old school, by steely dan

after you have had cancer treatment, surgery , chemotherapy or whatever, people tend to expect you to go back to the person that you were before your tango with the big "C". can you return to your former self? the short answer is " NO". but that is not always a bad thing. i do not like using the term " my new normal." but that pretty much sums things up.

cancer carries a lot of baggage with it, as i have said before. there is PTSD, for one thing. i have flash backs of my surgery and immediately afterwards. especially my first day in the shower after the mastectomies. nothing can prepare you for that. people have told me, trying to be encouraging, well,"they are only breasts, and besides, you will have perky ones now!". just to fill anyone in who thinks this, what i got was not a " boob job". my plastic surgeon said these exact words to me :" honey, you ain't getting no boob job." and believe it or not, i appreciated him saying  that. breast reconstruction was a long, and rather painful process.  my so called " perky breasts"  are rock hard , numb , and  my chest  hurts fairly often.  thanks to my 3D nipple and areola tattoos, i do  feel better when i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. i highly recommend the tattoos. i never thought i would try to persuade anyone to get a tattoo, but Vinnie Myers, who does only breast  3D tattoos, is a hero of mine.

another accessory that comes with thyroid and breast cancer, and any cancer really, is the fear of recurrence. test anxiety is fairly common, and hard to explain unless you are a cancer patient. to this day, and it has been nearly three years since my last chemotherapy treatment, i get sick to my stomach when i smell the hand sanitizer in my oncologist's office. i turn green. and no matter if i shower off when i get home or not , the smell remains with me for the rest of the day. i used to get sick when i pulled into the parking lot, but i am a little bit better about that now.

there are other health conditions that i have now thanks to the cancers that i had. lymphedema can occur in anyone who has had lymph nodes removed. it is not a condition limited to the arms or legs. you can actually have this in your head or neck, if you have had  lymph nodes removed as you would if you have had thyroid cancer. it is important to see a special CLT ( a  physical therapist who has had extra training on  how to do lymphatic massage).  i wear active massage arm  compression garments, as that is where i have lymphedema. i also do the manual massage at home, as well as some other self care techniques.

for my thyroid cancer, i had a large dose of radioactive iodine, aka, RAI. while this gets rid of any rogue ( i have referred to them as Sarah Palin cells in the past) thyroid cancer cells that are trying to go to other places in your body,  there are a few  side effects to this treatment. would i have  the RAI  again? YES.  but i did have salivary stones about 7 months after my treatment. this has been an on and off thing. i am now having trouble with my parotid salivary glands. is it a stone or a cyst? i am not sure, but i am going to be checking on this- first with my doctor, and then with an ENT surgeon, if my physician  thinks it is necessary.

now for the positive side of cancer- there is one, believe it or not. here is some of what i learned :  i know what is important in life. i know who my true, real friends are. i appreciate my family more, especially time spent  with them. i do not let the little  annoyances in life  bother me as much. i would like to say, i do not let little stuff bother me at all, but i am trying to be honest here. i have found out that i am stronger than i thought. i am taking better care of myself- eating better, getting more sleep. and i try to find some quiet time each day- porch sitting, just to look around and be grateful. i tried learning to meditate, but my porch sitting time is as close as i could get. being out in nature is soothing to me. i think  when we connect with  nature, we feel that we are  a part of the world. i somehow feel less sick, less of a patient, and more just like someone who belongs. 

oh, and the song lyrics title? it has really nothing to do with this blog. it is just my favorite steely dan song.