" Are you standing outside, looking up at the sky. cursing a wandering star? Well if i were you, i'ed throw rocks at the moon. i'ed say, damn you wherever you are" " I should have sent roses." Leon Russell and Elton John from their album, Union.

two things struck me about these lyrics. pardon the pun. first, cursing the wandering star- which i mentioned in an earlier blog. and of course, throwing rocks at the moon. i have an ultrasound at the end of this month, and some obligatory blood work, of course. i have to be tested every six months because my cancer had spread a bit, as i have mentioned previously. i have very ambiguous feelings about these every six months tests. first of all, i am thankful that i have a great doctor who cares enough to test me every six months. you do not have to tell me that the earlier you detect cancer, the better. on the other hand, testing is stressful but it is more than just  that. i get depressed( OMG what if they find something?) and surprisingly, because i am not usually like this- my pollyanna self notwithstanding, i get mad as hell. i have never said " why me" or "poor pitiful me" but it still makes me angry that i got cancer! and this anger does me about as much good as throwing rocks at the moon. ( it would certainly  not work with me, because as my husband is fond of telling me, i can not hit the broadside of a barn)

i have been able to work out some stress and i will admit, anger, by going to zumba class. well, i have not been able to go now for about two months because of my knee injury. yesterday, since i could not contact my fairy godmother and ask her to wave her magic wand over my knee and make it all better, i set up a schedule for some physical therapy. it is in a rehab center right next to the wellness center where i took, and by golly will take again, zumba. my first appointment is this coming wednesday. i always have wednesday off, in an otherwise crazy and different every week, schedule. i am not sure how i will work in more than once per week- the doctor suggested 2-3 times a week. i work long hours and one to two evenings per week. but on wednesday, i am planning to be there. they told me to wear my workout clothes. do you think that they meant my belly scarves? i guess i will have to save them for when i go back to zumba. i am not sure if the physical therapy exercises  will be in a large room with several people, or a private space. i am not even sure what they will do, but if it will help, i will do it.

as cancer patients, we have a lot of stuff to deal with. as individuals, we need to find activities that help our minds and bodies deal with our many challenges. zumba was my special activity. it helped my mind ( i am finding out) more than my body even. hopefully, after some physical therapy i will be healthy enough to dance again. for me, music and dancing are  much better ( and safer for my husband and neighbors) than me throwing rocks at the moon. i will keep everyone posted on my progress in physical therapy. and i sincerely hope that if you have not found your special coping activity, you will very,very soon.