" say, here i am, on a road again, there i am, up on the stage,..there i go, turn the page...and you don't feel much like riding, you just wish the trip was through." lyrics from "turn the page" by bob seger

yes, i have used these lyrics before. but it is almost testing time again for me, and these lyrics just suit my situation so well. i have blood work due in a couple of weeks, and a visit with my endocrinologist for evaluation of my thyroid cancer. i also have an appointment with the oncologist, for the breast cancer,  and more blood work sometime this month or next. the problem i have with my oncologist's office is that they never tell me exactly when my appointments will be. the office just mails out my appointments, already scheduled, and i have to juggle them around events that i may already  have planned. maybe even fun stuff that i have to reschedule. sometimes if i call my oncologist, the office will tell me when my appointments are, providing i do not call too soon. i think that i will call tomorrow and try to extract that information from the receptionist. i did bring her a box of candy one time...

the subject of this blog, and i know that it might have been  unclear at first, is testing anxiety or "scan anxiety" like it is sometimes called. i have not yet learned, and i wonder if i ever will, how to deal with this. on the one hand, i appreciate the care that my doctors provide to me. i know that my chances of survival are better the earlier a recurrence is diagnosed. i also realize that by having had two primary cancers, my chances of a recurrence are somewhat higher. i can manage to enjoy my life pretty successfully until it is time for testing. i will admit that i do panic somewhat when i have a stomach virus, upper respiratory virus, or other acute illness. one of my first thoughts, and i am admitting it here in this blog, as i usually try to keep these thoughts  to myself ( i hate for my family and friends to think i am neurotic, ok, well, too neurotic) is to wonder if my cancer is back somewhere else in my body.

a few days before my testing, i get testy. i get  short tempered and very anxious. what will i do if it the cancer returns? what do i tell my family and friends? how will they handle the news? and so forth. and physically my body reacts in a negative way,too. my blood pressure increases, my sleep is off, and as i said, i get anxious. i have tried to do self care or holistic care to try to manage my test anxiety. this is not an easy task for me. i will give you a little background. when i was pregnant with my first child, my husband and i attended lamaze classes. we did the " woo-hoo" breathing, but along with this, we did relaxation exercises. our instructor told me that  i was the " least relaxed" person that she had in the class. i have not made much progress since then, and it has been about 30 years. i have been working on breathing exercises and meditation. since i know how to breathe, this has not been too hard. however,  so far, meditation has not been successful for me.

i have really enjoyed my candle making and a few other crafts that i have become involved with. i feel very fortunate to have the opportunity and time to invest in my hobbies. this is a joy for me, but when testing time comes around, even these activities do not trump ( sorry to use that word)  my anxiety. i read in a blog that another cancer patient struggles with testing anxiety, and i am sure that many other  cancer patients do as well . in  the most recent blog that i read about testing anxiety, the patient had conflicting feelings in the " in between times" as well. not only did this person have the testing anxiety for a few weeks leading up to the tests, but they worried about issues that face us when we are not being tested. the patient felt like an " all clear" scan and blood work were just temporary reprieves from the worry that comes in 3, 6 or 12 months, whenever the next testing is due.

it was good for me to read this blog from another cancer patient. i used to think that something was wrong with me when after good results, i did not feel like celebrating over much, or shouting my results from the rafters. the testing and scan anxiety ebbs and flows. that is what constitutes my daily living now. i try to make the best of things, here comes pollyanna, but i still have to deal with the testing anxiety and the "what ifs" in my life now. i hate to use this over-used term, but this is my " new normal" life now. i am trying to be happy and make the best of things. but here i go, on a road again.