i am a pollyanna kind of person, but even i have those times when i feel like throwing rocks at the moon...

i have never been into making new year's resolutions. i have thought about my " goals for the new year" on occasion, but nothing so formal as a resolutions list. this year i have unfortunately had some flashbacks to my surgeries from two years ago. why now? i am not sure. i suppose at first, i was just happy to be alive with a fairly good prognosis. there was so much to think about, that i sometimes did not think about certain things at all. not that i did not have my moments, you might say. one of the first things that i did when i got home from the hospital, was to round up all of my pretty lace bras and throw them in the trash. i was angry and sad that these did not fit any more, and frankly i did not want to ever see them  again. i also went through my closet and tried on a few tops, sweaters and blouses. i gave a huge part of them away- to my family members or to  the salvation army. when i tried certain clothes on it was so strange to discover that the clothes that fit so well just a little while ago, now did not fit well at all.  it was  like i was wearing someone else's clothes. in some ways, i guess that i was.

for the last couple of days, feelings of loss, sadness, and the details of the  surgeries that i had, have come to my mind unsolicited. i am not what i would call a "crier", but tears have also found me, and at the oddest and most inconvenient times. i have tried to tell myself that these feelings are O.K., but i do feel guilty about having them. one thing that i have always told myself, is that there are lots and lots of people who have health issues that are worse than mine. being in health care, i saw people  with severe health conditions who handled them with dignity and grace. i have really tried to do that myself. as i said in my title, i have always been a pollyanna type of person. when i was a little girl and would get sick, i told my dad " don't worry, i will feel better tomorrow." my dad always liked this, and he would remind me, when i got older,  what i had said as a small child.

we are all different, and we all handle health issues differently. it is not a contest to win or lose. what really bothers me, might not bother someone else and vice  versa. i think that it is time for me to throw some rocks at the moon. i know, of course, i am not going to hit the moon, but it might just make me feel a little bit better. away with you, pollyanna, at least for a little while. for now, i am gathering up a few stones.