what i have to say in this blog is not ground breaking news. there have been many studies about the efficacy of service animals for those of us who are dealing with PTSD, epilepsy, cancer, or other chronic health conditions. in certain instances, of course, professionally trained service animals are necessary. but i think that our family pets can play a huge role in helping those of us who struggle with anxiety, depression, or other problems that are associated with the trauma brought on by certain health conditions.
i will use myself ( again) as an example. when i was having chemotherapy i had terrible nausea and vomiting that was not controlled by any medication that i was given. and believe me, i have tried all of the anti-emetics on the market. i have mentioned that listening to classical music, especially rhapsody in blue by george gershwin, helped take my mind off of the nausea to some extent. what also helped me was the love and affection that i received from my cat and dogs. my cat was especially helpful. for whatever reason, and you can read many theories on this, my cat always knew when i was sick. she would lie on the bed with me, and snuggle up to my leg or hip. she was not one of those " in your face type of cats", but her presence and gentle purring were very comforting to me. petting a cat or dog is supposed to decrease your blood pressure, i have read.i am not sure of the validity of that statement, but i do know that when i petted my cat, she would give me little cat kisses with her rough little tongue. having her with me, especially when my husband was at work and i was alone, was very comforting. not sure if my blood pressure went down any, but having her there was very soothing to me.
my dog- a german shepherd- has also been so important to my mental health. again, during my chemotherapy, he stayed extra close to me. when i was able to get up and about, we would take short walks together and he seemed to know that he had to be by my side and be on his best behavior. i named my dog "shadow" and that is exactly what he has been, and still is. our dogs sleep inside our house at night. i can walk into the kitchen, thinking that shadow is sound asleep, and if i look over at him he has one eye open- following my every move. there is nothing quite as good as a big ole dog hug. he used to be able to sit in my lap, and sometimes he forgets why he can not ( he weighs 120 pounds). but hugging and petting him helps me as much as it helps him, i think.
another thing about a pet is that they never ask questions, such as" why aren't you feeling well? why are you sad? why are you anxious? why are you in bed? why are you bald?" they also do not care if you are in your PJ's and a robe, you are beautiful to them. pets are truly living in the " no judgment zone" and they give you their full and complete affection. our pets seem to instinctively know when we are sad and need a hug, a kiss, or an affectionate rub on our leg. also, i was happy to have my dogs and cat to take care of. just the simple act of feeding them made me feel good. so many people were taking care of me- it was good to have someone else to care for.
having a pet or pets is a lot of responsibility. i guess that it is not for everyone, or perhaps is not practical for some people to have a pet. but i can honestly say that i am so thankful for my pets. they have shown and continue to show me so much love and affection. they help me with my anxiety ( testing anxiety , fear of a possible recurrence,etc) and for that i am very grateful. there are many " non drug" treatments for certain health disorders. one of the best ones comes with four legs and a big heart.
Sunday, January 21, 2018
Monday, January 8, 2018
" say, here i am, on a road again, there i am, up on the stage,..there i go, turn the page...and you don't feel much like riding, you just wish the trip was through." lyrics from "turn the page" by bob seger
yes, i have used these lyrics before. but it is almost testing time again for me, and these lyrics just suit my situation so well. i have blood work due in a couple of weeks, and a visit with my endocrinologist for evaluation of my thyroid cancer. i also have an appointment with the oncologist, for the breast cancer, and more blood work sometime this month or next. the problem i have with my oncologist's office is that they never tell me exactly when my appointments will be. the office just mails out my appointments, already scheduled, and i have to juggle them around events that i may already have planned. maybe even fun stuff that i have to reschedule. sometimes if i call my oncologist, the office will tell me when my appointments are, providing i do not call too soon. i think that i will call tomorrow and try to extract that information from the receptionist. i did bring her a box of candy one time...
the subject of this blog, and i know that it might have been unclear at first, is testing anxiety or "scan anxiety" like it is sometimes called. i have not yet learned, and i wonder if i ever will, how to deal with this. on the one hand, i appreciate the care that my doctors provide to me. i know that my chances of survival are better the earlier a recurrence is diagnosed. i also realize that by having had two primary cancers, my chances of a recurrence are somewhat higher. i can manage to enjoy my life pretty successfully until it is time for testing. i will admit that i do panic somewhat when i have a stomach virus, upper respiratory virus, or other acute illness. one of my first thoughts, and i am admitting it here in this blog, as i usually try to keep these thoughts to myself ( i hate for my family and friends to think i am neurotic, ok, well, too neurotic) is to wonder if my cancer is back somewhere else in my body.
a few days before my testing, i get testy. i get short tempered and very anxious. what will i do if it the cancer returns? what do i tell my family and friends? how will they handle the news? and so forth. and physically my body reacts in a negative way,too. my blood pressure increases, my sleep is off, and as i said, i get anxious. i have tried to do self care or holistic care to try to manage my test anxiety. this is not an easy task for me. i will give you a little background. when i was pregnant with my first child, my husband and i attended lamaze classes. we did the " woo-hoo" breathing, but along with this, we did relaxation exercises. our instructor told me that i was the " least relaxed" person that she had in the class. i have not made much progress since then, and it has been about 30 years. i have been working on breathing exercises and meditation. since i know how to breathe, this has not been too hard. however, so far, meditation has not been successful for me.
i have really enjoyed my candle making and a few other crafts that i have become involved with. i feel very fortunate to have the opportunity and time to invest in my hobbies. this is a joy for me, but when testing time comes around, even these activities do not trump ( sorry to use that word) my anxiety. i read in a blog that another cancer patient struggles with testing anxiety, and i am sure that many other cancer patients do as well . in the most recent blog that i read about testing anxiety, the patient had conflicting feelings in the " in between times" as well. not only did this person have the testing anxiety for a few weeks leading up to the tests, but they worried about issues that face us when we are not being tested. the patient felt like an " all clear" scan and blood work were just temporary reprieves from the worry that comes in 3, 6 or 12 months, whenever the next testing is due.
it was good for me to read this blog from another cancer patient. i used to think that something was wrong with me when after good results, i did not feel like celebrating over much, or shouting my results from the rafters. the testing and scan anxiety ebbs and flows. that is what constitutes my daily living now. i try to make the best of things, here comes pollyanna, but i still have to deal with the testing anxiety and the "what ifs" in my life now. i hate to use this over-used term, but this is my " new normal" life now. i am trying to be happy and make the best of things. but here i go, on a road again.
the subject of this blog, and i know that it might have been unclear at first, is testing anxiety or "scan anxiety" like it is sometimes called. i have not yet learned, and i wonder if i ever will, how to deal with this. on the one hand, i appreciate the care that my doctors provide to me. i know that my chances of survival are better the earlier a recurrence is diagnosed. i also realize that by having had two primary cancers, my chances of a recurrence are somewhat higher. i can manage to enjoy my life pretty successfully until it is time for testing. i will admit that i do panic somewhat when i have a stomach virus, upper respiratory virus, or other acute illness. one of my first thoughts, and i am admitting it here in this blog, as i usually try to keep these thoughts to myself ( i hate for my family and friends to think i am neurotic, ok, well, too neurotic) is to wonder if my cancer is back somewhere else in my body.
a few days before my testing, i get testy. i get short tempered and very anxious. what will i do if it the cancer returns? what do i tell my family and friends? how will they handle the news? and so forth. and physically my body reacts in a negative way,too. my blood pressure increases, my sleep is off, and as i said, i get anxious. i have tried to do self care or holistic care to try to manage my test anxiety. this is not an easy task for me. i will give you a little background. when i was pregnant with my first child, my husband and i attended lamaze classes. we did the " woo-hoo" breathing, but along with this, we did relaxation exercises. our instructor told me that i was the " least relaxed" person that she had in the class. i have not made much progress since then, and it has been about 30 years. i have been working on breathing exercises and meditation. since i know how to breathe, this has not been too hard. however, so far, meditation has not been successful for me.
i have really enjoyed my candle making and a few other crafts that i have become involved with. i feel very fortunate to have the opportunity and time to invest in my hobbies. this is a joy for me, but when testing time comes around, even these activities do not trump ( sorry to use that word) my anxiety. i read in a blog that another cancer patient struggles with testing anxiety, and i am sure that many other cancer patients do as well . in the most recent blog that i read about testing anxiety, the patient had conflicting feelings in the " in between times" as well. not only did this person have the testing anxiety for a few weeks leading up to the tests, but they worried about issues that face us when we are not being tested. the patient felt like an " all clear" scan and blood work were just temporary reprieves from the worry that comes in 3, 6 or 12 months, whenever the next testing is due.
it was good for me to read this blog from another cancer patient. i used to think that something was wrong with me when after good results, i did not feel like celebrating over much, or shouting my results from the rafters. the testing and scan anxiety ebbs and flows. that is what constitutes my daily living now. i try to make the best of things, here comes pollyanna, but i still have to deal with the testing anxiety and the "what ifs" in my life now. i hate to use this over-used term, but this is my " new normal" life now. i am trying to be happy and make the best of things. but here i go, on a road again.
Wednesday, January 3, 2018
i am a pollyanna kind of person, but even i have those times when i feel like throwing rocks at the moon...
i have never been into making new year's resolutions. i have thought about my " goals for the new year" on occasion, but nothing so formal as a resolutions list. this year i have unfortunately had some flashbacks to my surgeries from two years ago. why now? i am not sure. i suppose at first, i was just happy to be alive with a fairly good prognosis. there was so much to think about, that i sometimes did not think about certain things at all. not that i did not have my moments, you might say. one of the first things that i did when i got home from the hospital, was to round up all of my pretty lace bras and throw them in the trash. i was angry and sad that these did not fit any more, and frankly i did not want to ever see them again. i also went through my closet and tried on a few tops, sweaters and blouses. i gave a huge part of them away- to my family members or to the salvation army. when i tried certain clothes on it was so strange to discover that the clothes that fit so well just a little while ago, now did not fit well at all. it was like i was wearing someone else's clothes. in some ways, i guess that i was.
for the last couple of days, feelings of loss, sadness, and the details of the surgeries that i had, have come to my mind unsolicited. i am not what i would call a "crier", but tears have also found me, and at the oddest and most inconvenient times. i have tried to tell myself that these feelings are O.K., but i do feel guilty about having them. one thing that i have always told myself, is that there are lots and lots of people who have health issues that are worse than mine. being in health care, i saw people with severe health conditions who handled them with dignity and grace. i have really tried to do that myself. as i said in my title, i have always been a pollyanna type of person. when i was a little girl and would get sick, i told my dad " don't worry, i will feel better tomorrow." my dad always liked this, and he would remind me, when i got older, what i had said as a small child.
we are all different, and we all handle health issues differently. it is not a contest to win or lose. what really bothers me, might not bother someone else and vice versa. i think that it is time for me to throw some rocks at the moon. i know, of course, i am not going to hit the moon, but it might just make me feel a little bit better. away with you, pollyanna, at least for a little while. for now, i am gathering up a few stones.
for the last couple of days, feelings of loss, sadness, and the details of the surgeries that i had, have come to my mind unsolicited. i am not what i would call a "crier", but tears have also found me, and at the oddest and most inconvenient times. i have tried to tell myself that these feelings are O.K., but i do feel guilty about having them. one thing that i have always told myself, is that there are lots and lots of people who have health issues that are worse than mine. being in health care, i saw people with severe health conditions who handled them with dignity and grace. i have really tried to do that myself. as i said in my title, i have always been a pollyanna type of person. when i was a little girl and would get sick, i told my dad " don't worry, i will feel better tomorrow." my dad always liked this, and he would remind me, when i got older, what i had said as a small child.
we are all different, and we all handle health issues differently. it is not a contest to win or lose. what really bothers me, might not bother someone else and vice versa. i think that it is time for me to throw some rocks at the moon. i know, of course, i am not going to hit the moon, but it might just make me feel a little bit better. away with you, pollyanna, at least for a little while. for now, i am gathering up a few stones.
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