" I've looked at life from both sides now, from win and lose and still somehow, it's life's illusions i recall, i really don't know life, at all. " both sides now, by joni mitchell

it all started with a doctor's visit. one that i wish i had never made, but at the same time,  eternally grateful that i did. this is the way that it has been for me since i received my two cancer diagnoses. i possess two faces of cancer. there is the one that i present to the world- upbeat, optimistic, totally in control of my situation. and then there is the other one, and it is not very pretty. i struggle with PTSD, anxiety, and a general feeling that i am not in control of anything in my life. feeling out of control has probably been the hardest thing for me. i like things organized, well planned out, and safe. cancer makes your life anything but those things. in my work, i was used to being in control- making difficult decisions on a daily basis. i was responsible for not only what i did, but what my support staff did as well. i had the lives of my patients in my hands, and while it could be  daunting on occasion,  over time  i developed a sense of confidence in what i was doing.

cancer has a way of stripping away  all sense of control that you thought  you had. where i was once the one making the decisions about someone's health, i was now sitting back and becoming the patient. i was listening to the recommendations of several doctors concerning my health. and they were not just any decisions, they were life or death ones. of course i did my research on what surgeries, treatments,etc. that would be best for me, but when it came down to it, i had to depend on health professionals to make the calls. i am very fortunate to have had very good medical care. i realize that unfortunately not everyone has this opportunity, and i am grateful that i did. i also have a wonderful support system in place. my family and friends have given me so much encouragement and care, and i am extremely grateful for that, as well.

i am learning that it is o.k. to have conflicting feelings when it comes to having cancer. maintaining a positive attitude certainly helps me as well as those around me. but it is important that i address the dark side, if you will, of a cancer diagnosis. loss of control, overwhelming feelings of loss- not just physical loss, but loss of the way my life was before i had cancer, always loom in the background. while i am fairly sick of the term " my new normal", nethertheless, it is a true statement. i do have a new life now, in many ways. i retired a few years earlier than i had expected to. i found that while i could do my job as i had before, it just took too much energy. i had trouble recovering from a day of work- i was exhausted after a 8 to 10 hour day and it took me two to three days to recover. i do miss my work, and the people that i worked with and for. i was angry about this for a while. again, it was a loss of control issue. my careful life  planning had just gone down the drain.

i am a " i will do it myself" kind of person. it was difficult for me to accept help from others. not that i did not appreciate kind offers, i just was used to being more self sufficient, and it was, and still is, difficult for me to admit that i need help sometimes. one terrible example of the dangers of always  doing things yourself, was when i made my first trip alone to the grocery. ( here is another awful grocery experience). my husband was working that day, and i was determined to go out myself and get our groceries. that would have been fine, but instead of waiting on my husband to carry our groceries inside, or maybe being patient and making 100 trips carrying the grocery  bags inside, i carried them, even the heavy items, in just a few trips. i felt my stitches give way on one side before i got inside the door. i knew that i was in trouble, but i  could do nothing about it at this point. long story short, i ended up with an extra surgery and a round of antibiotics  to repair the damage. this ended up delaying my last surgery for reconstruction, and my surgeon said that i was very lucky things were not worse.

i have had to make a major life adjustment ( i will refrain from using "new normal"). i have discovered the joys, albeit different than my previous work , in making candles and other crafts. i am enjoying time with my husband. we have both, in the past, worked long hours, holidays, weekends,etc. so this is a treat to get to spend more time together. i am so happy to get to see my grandchildren more often. i like to be able to help out with childcare or just visit, more often. this is definitely a silver lining in my dark cloud. while my anxiety is still there,  i am managing those dark feelings a little better now. as i said earlier, i am trying to maintain a positive attitude. but i am also dealing with a dark side,too. i suppose the trick is to not to let the dark outweigh the light, so to speak.