do dragons really have their endings? this quote from the hobbit has been my mantra during the past two years as a breast cancer survivor. ( since this is breast cancer awareness month, i will focus on this rather than my thyroid cancer.) i have talked about my body being on auto pilot during the diagnosis, testing, surgeries, and chemotherapy that i have had to endure. really, now comes the challenging part. how to deal with the side effects of the treatment phase along with the anxiety that is partially caused by the every six month testing.
i have tried to be honest about the PTSD, especially the anxiety, that i am having to deal with. along with this, i have had severe muscle and joint pain from the chemotherapy drug that i will have to take for another two and one-half years. there have been other side effects from this drug- an estrogen blocking drug- that i will not expound upon. my physician assures me that taking this drug is a necessary part of the treatment for breast cancer. being a pharmacist, i am familiar with the side effects- of course it is very different when you are the patient. it is a struggle sometimes figuring out ways to deal with the numerous side effects left over from the chemotherapy as well. "chemo brain" is very real, folks. i have definitely noticed a difference in my ability to remember names, certain places, and probably the most disconcerting thing is to be in the middle of a sentence and forget a simple word. sometimes i wonder if this is what some people who have had a stroke feel like.
so, this firestorm of events happened to me. i have had to deal with several side effects that i thought i would never have to deal with. i have had to be creative in facing many challenges. as i see it though, every dark cloud has a silver lining, so to speak. i have been able to retire from work a couple of years earlier than i had previously planned on. i decided to enjoy my life and do some things that i have always wanted to do. actually, i am pretty proud of myself for putting myself out there- making new friends, doing my crafts, spending more time with my grandchildren and my children. sometimes i think that i am being selfish. it has been almost 10 months since i retired, and basically, i have just been taking care of myself and trying to get better. i would like to be able to do some public service, and i hope to at some point. fatigue is a big issue for me now as well. i went back to work ( after 8 months medical leave) a few weeks after my last surgery for breast reconstruction. i found that while i could do my job competently, it took every bit of energy that i had to do it. i went home and felt like a wet noodle. for every day i worked, it took at least two days to recover. i also find that now, just a day outing with friends, or an all day grocery,etc. shopping day wears me out. that tells me that i am not quite up to myself as yet. of course that brings me to the subject of that somewhat overused, but very true, phrase " your new normal".
yes, i have a new normal now. i have side effects that i have to manage. i have made a concerted effort to have a better diet, and to get more rest. those are two simple, but huge things when it comes to improving one's physical and mental health. i am working on getting more exercise. one thing that i have been doing more of is expressing gratitude. i am truly grateful for my family, friends, and for every good thing that comes my way. even the simplest things in life can bring joy and gratitude. i think that by having this mind set, i am showing appreciation for my world and changing my attitude to a more positive one. honestly, if you think happy, you can be happy. i promise that i am not going all "Pollyanna" on you, but the mind is like a computer- it can be reprogrammed.
so some snow came after my firestorm. what keeps me going, my mantra, is that " even dragons have their endings." i am hoping one day that will be the case for me.
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