i realized the other day, that i have been dancing with the "big C" for the past seven years now. the first time i got a cancer diagnosis ( it was thyroid cancer) i was at work. my doctor called me ( she could not reach me at home) to give me the news. needless to say, i was pretty upset and had to go home. then i had three skin cancers thrown into the mix- they were not serious, but disconcerting nevertheless. the third time, and i sincerely hope the last time i hear those horrible words, i had left work, thinking that i would return after i had a 3D mammogram. i had been called back, after an initial mammogram a couple of times before because i had dense breast tissue. i was not worried at the time, but did worry when the radiologist ordered an ultrasound. i called work and told them that i would be back- but a little bit later than i had thought.
time seemed to stand still . the technician came into the room where i was waiting and told me that the radiologist wanted to speak with me in his office. my heart almost stopped; this was new territory for me. this radiology center gives a long stemmed rose to all female patients having mammograms or ultrasounds. i remember taking the rose that the technician offered me after i was dressed. i remember walking into the radiologist's office. it was dark, and he had a picture of my left breast up on his computer screen. i laid the rose down on his desk and looked at the monster inside of me. i am not an expert at reading ultrasounds or xrays, but even i knew that what i was looking at was not normal. the radiologist let me come to my own conclusions. he said that we would not know for sure until after i had had the needle biopsy, but the doctor, nurse and i all knew within a reasonable doubt, what the outcome of that would be.
i called work and told them that i would not be coming back in that day. i drove home on auto-pilot, and i am not sure where the rose ended up. that was the beginning of almost a year of more biopsies, surgeries, chemotherapy and reconstruction. most of the time i was present in body, but my mind was elsewhere. some place safe. my husband was with me for all the other tests, treatments,etc. so i was fortunate that he was my eyes and ears during this time. it is the most surreal feeling to be told the unimaginable. i made treatment decisions, informed ones, but my body was on auto pilot. i just needed to get through the medical part- survive the surgeries and chemotherapy- and then i would deal with the emotional part.
i had always thought that only victims of war get PTSD. i was wrong. it was after the worst physical pain that i began to suffer in other ways. panic attacks, sleep disorders, coming to terms with the fact that i might not survive the cancers, worry for my family, just to name a few things that i was obsessing about now . my brain had left that safe place and now i was having to deal with all of the other issues that i had pushed aside. i felt guilty for feeling these things. after all, i had wonderful support from my family and friends. i was able to write about what was happening to me in this blog- which has been my lifeline. why then should i be feeling all of these negative emotions?
a few months ago, i happened to read an article about cancer patients and PTSD. a light bulb came on. i realized that i needed some major life changes if i was going to get better. i have already made some positive changes in my life, but i need to make some more. i retired from work- about two years earlier than i had first planned. i loved my work- i like to help people and i love to do medication counseling. but the store where i work is a high volume, stress filled environment. i know that stress alone did not cause my cancer, but stress probably weakened my body's immune system and that was certainly not helpful.
another thing that i have done is to get involved with doing some crafts that i had always wanted to do. i am making soap, candles and stained glass pieces. i also read that doing crafts, learning to play a musical instrument- anything that is a newly learned activity, is helpful in dealing with the symptoms of PTSD. my husband and i have spent the majority of our lives working and taking care of our family. working long hours, 13 hour days to be precise, as well as weekends and holidays left little time for anything else. i am happy to say that now my husband and i are cultivating friendships. it is wonderful to be able to spend time with friends- both old and new. we actually have time to do things with our friends. and of course, two of my grandchildren live close by, so we are so happy to help out when their parents need us. actually, it is a pleasure to be with our grandchildren, and my husband and i love being able to say " yes we can" instead of " no, sorry, we have to work."
i have read that exercise is also good for PTSD. i have a bad knee and have not been able to go go zumba for a couple of years. i can not find a tai chi class near me, but i have purchased a video and hopefully doing that, and walking, will become a healthy habit for me. i am also working on my diet- not just to lose a little weight, but just to incorporate healthier foods into my diet. sounds like i am making new years resolutions here, but i am just trying to come up with a plan that works for me. counseling is also another great option. i have considered this, but have not made any immediate plans to do this- yet.
cancer took my joy. it has impacted my life for the past seven years. some people do not understand that just because the medical treatments are over, that it is over and done for cancer patients. i think this is when the hard part comes. how to deal with test anxiety, worry over the smallest symptoms- is the cancer back? and of course, worry that the cancer will come back with a vengeance and the impact that it will have on your life and the lives of your family and friends- the people who love you.
i am working hard to recapture my joy. i am trying to deal with PTSD, as well as side effects of the chemotherapy medication that i take every day, and will have to take for the next 3 years or so. i am also coping with the side effects from the surgeries and chemotherapy that i had 2 years ago. i am not quite to my happy place yet, but i sure am trying. the "big C" took my joy, but i am working to get it back.
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