Saturday, March 4, 2017

" you were such a strong swimmer, and you taught me how to never fear those tall waves, and you stayed in those deep waters, always inviting, to a bed on the bottom. and that current took you away, and it made you pay and pay..." Strong swimmer, by Shelby Earl

my husband and i were listening to NPR this morning, while he had his coffee and i had my cup of tea, when we heard this song- " strong swimmer" by shelby earl. i was not familiar with the artist, nor had either of us heard the song, but it struck a chord with me.( no pun intended ). we listened to the song, and an interview with the artist. ms. earl said that she thought of her step-mother when she performed this song. her step- mother had a health crisis a few years ago , and ms. earl had come  home to help take care of her. she said that her step mother worked so hard to get better, but it was a daily challenge.  while it is a song that might bring tears, it is meant to be inspiring and uplifting as well.

listening to the song, it made me remember my own "health crisis" that i had  when i was in the middle of my chemotherapy for breast cancer. it was at a time when the nausea/vomiting was at it's worst, and i was at my weakest. not only had one of the chemotherapy drugs caused some neuropathy in a few of my toes( they are still numb to this day , by the way), but the needle slipped out of my vein a little, and the medicine infiltrated into the skin on my left forearm. i had a bright purple streak- from just below my elbow to nearly my wrist and it was painful. it has since faded to light pink ( appropriately enough), but i think it will remain with me as a reminder of this time- as if i need a visual was during this very difficult time for me, that i told my husband  i simply could not continue with the  chemotherapy. the new chemotherapy medicine that the physician was now having to add on had even more nausea and vomiting as a side effect. my white blood cell count was dangerously low, as was my will to fight the cancer.

what made it possible for me to continue the chemotherapy, and complete my treatment was some really deep soul searching. yes i had my faith. yes i had wonderful support from family and friends. but when you are a patient going through this awful treatment, you and you alone are the one who is sitting in that infusion room with that poison cursing through your veins. my parents passed away a few years before i got sick, and in some ways that was a blessing. but they both instilled in me the desire to fight- to be a strong swimmer. i needed to find a way to get through this difficult time so that i could hopefully be there for my family when they needed me. i will admit that i DID fear those tall waves, but i kept swimming until i found my way to the shore. safe at last.

i think that we all have to be strong swimmers. whether we are battling cancer, struggling with thyroid disease, or any other health crisis, we need to do our best to get better. i am proud of the fact that i really wanted to quit my chemotherapy, but i did not. i finished it. and every six month test that i have is challenging to me, but i fight through that as well. some people have said that i am brave. i do not feel brave at all, but i do feel like a strong swimmer. and when it comes down to it , that is really all that you can do- keep your head above water and swim hard for the shore.

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