Friday, September 9, 2011

" and they knew all the places i needed to go, all of the people i needed to know. they knew who i needed, and who needed me. and who would come help me, and who would just let me be. i was in the hands of angels until this very day. inside the hands of angels, what more can i say?" In the Hands of Angels, by Leon Russell

this is a beautiful new song by leon russell and elton john. they did a collaboration cd recently, and a tour together( i unfortunately missed this). the cd is very good, i think. this song is especially meaningful to me lately. the decisions that i have had to make concerning my dad's care have been so hard. but sometimes, when i would listen carefully, the answer was right in front of me.

the world is constantly blasting information at us all. i try not to watch the news at night- it is depressing and it causes me not to sleep very well. when my dad was first in the hospital, i tried to read a book when he was napping. sometimes,though, i could not concentrate very well on my book and i would get out my smart phone and look at facebook or surf the web.  now, i like facebook, don't get me wrong. i have been able to reconnect with a couple of friends from elementary and high school that i was afraid i would never see again. it has been really nice to chat with them and catch up with what they have been doing. i can see how people, especially young people, get " addicted" to being in touch all of the time. that is a whole blog or two by itself,though.

i wish that i had the patience to meditate. i have tried, several times, maybe not hard enough. but to sit still and clear your mind- without making plans for the next few days,hours,minutes even, is difficult for me.i seem to do better with a plan and a schedule of events. another "good" thing cancer has done for me is to chip away at the feeling  that i have to be in control of everything. i mean, you have to be in charge of a lot of things- especially if you are a mom!- but some things you just have no control over. you have to learn how to just let go and let things happen sometimes. i am constantly having to remind myself to enjoy the small moments of my life. take a deep breath, and relax a little. who cares if the house is messy or you are behind in the laundry? well, o.k. i moan and groan a little about it, but i know that it will still be there tomorrow. that is what my mom always told me. " don't worry about the housework, honey, it will still be there tomorrow." boy, was she ever right about that one.

instead of the "new normal" i have a new,new normal now. i have to somehow find a way to go to work( that one is easy, i guess, i have bills to pay), visit my dad in the hospital,pay his bills, line up health care for him,see my family, oh, and i have sooooooooooooooo missed zumba! i have not been able to go back since my birthday, when i went with my daughter. i keep telling myself that i need to go for my good health, and if i am sick, who will take care of dad? i will make it back soon; next week, hopefully. i did order a new belly scarf last week- lime green- so i hope to have a chance to wear it soon.

i got a call from my doctors office today. my blood work was o.k. i am not sure of the numbers, but i will either get a copy in the mail, or i will request one when i go back for my ultrasound in a couple of weeks. i will admit that this has been the least of my worries,though. oh,jeez, that is another one of my problems. i am a worrier. i am worried about being a worrier- figures. guess i will have to work on that one,too. maybe some meditation will help.....


  1. You have my sympathy Bea. It's very hard when an elderly parent gets sick. There is this kind of role reversal that happens.

    We went through similar circumstances when my Mom had her massive stroke. I was trying to help my Dad with decisions and I felt like I lived in my car most time. This went on for two and a half years with her. After we lost her, it was almost another full year before I could concentrate enough to read a book.

    I do hope your dad is doing better. And yes you really do need to take care of yourself. For you and for your dad and family. Meditation is good. Put on some soft music or a cd that is waterfall sounds or other peaceful background sounds, have a cup of hot tea (or glass of wine if that's your preference) and just sit back, close your eyes and drift into the sounds......

    Of course Zumba's good too That's gotta be a stress reliever.

    Take care.

  2. thanks karen, those ideas sound great. hopefully, things will get a little better once we get him home( which will be tomorrow). of course, i am sure we will have our challenges there, as well. i just can not wait to get back to zumba. if we have class on saturday, my sister is supposed to cover saturday so that i can go. fingers crossed!