it is that time again for me. i had my blood work done this week, and next week i will see my endocrinologist for a neck ultrasound, office visit and discussion of my blood work results. i used to have to drive down to raleigh to have my blood work done, then drive back the next week for my visit. since my physician likes lab corp( that is where her office sends the tests anyway) , she said if i could find an office up here, i would not have to drive down to raleigh for the blood work. lucky for me, there is a lab corp office in boone. even luckier for me, there is an angel who works there. i am what the med techs call a "difficult stick". five times is my limit, as far as being stuck and not hitting gold. after that, i turn a whiter shade of pale, and start to break out in a cold sweat.
the "angel" med tech who works at the lab corp in boone, uses a butterfly needle. if you get blood drawn as often as i do, you will need to be familiar with a butterfly needle. these are much less painful for the patient and work better for those of us who have veins that like to make trouble. previously, when i had blood work done by less talented med techs, and after all those unsuccessful sticks, they would notice the back of my hands. and the med techs would literally salivate. i have " man veins" in the back of my hands. it is from opening about a million child proof bottles during my 40 years of pharmacy practice. but, as some of you might unfortunately know, hand sticks hurt- a lot.
getting back to the above mentioned angel med tech. she got out her butterfly needle, asked if i preferred one arm over the other ( i do- i can not have blood drawn or blood pressure taken in the arm that i have lymphedema in) and then applied the tourniquet. then she did something that i have had only one other person do- she closed her eyes. she closed her eyes and gently searched my arm for that illusive vein. it only took a few seconds, and then she found it. i barely felt the needle and my vein held out for the FIVE tubes of blood that my doctor had requested for the blood tests.
you might be thinking at this point that having a relatively pain free and successful blood draw is a minor thing. well, i have to have blood work done several times a year. i am having testing anxiety already- it happens a week or so before my tests and office visits. not having to worry about passing out when they are drawing my blood is one less thing to be anxious about. i thanked this med tech- this is the third time that she has drawn blood from me and every time has been successful. the med tech probably does not know how much i appreciate her talent, and i do believe it is a talent.
one thing that i learned when i was having all of my tests and surgeries for both of my cancers is that people who work in health care- from the people who clean your hospital room up to your physicians can make your experience either a positive or negative one. small kindnesses are huge and make all the difference. being a patient instead of a health care provider gave me a new perspective on how to treat my patients. it is not enough to just do your job- and by that i mean the mechanics of your job. it does not cost anything to go the extra mile for someone. be kind, reassure someone who is anxious, take a little extra time to counsel or talk to someone who might need it. i always tried to do this when i was working, but i tried a little bit harder after my experiences on the other side of the counter.
so here i go again. i wish that i could control my test anxiety a little bit better. hopefully things will go well next week, my test results will be good, and i can relax until the end of september. that is when i go to my oncologist for my six months breast cancer blood work and tests. and so it goes.
Thursday, July 27, 2017
Sunday, July 23, 2017
"...and the seasons, they go round and round, and the painted ponies go up and down, we're captive in the carousel of time. we can't return, we can only look behind from where we came, and go round and round in the circle game." the circle game, by joni mitchell
i was watching the cbs special this morning on cancer- which was very good, by the way. of course, cancer is such a big complicated issue, that it would be impossible to cover every type of cancer, potential problems associated with a particular cancer , treatments ,etc. but i will have to admit, the producers of this program did a pretty good job. two predominate themes in this program, at least in my opinion, were the future of more effective treatments and the prevention of cancer.( i will lump those into one theme ). the other theme, as i saw it, was reminiscing , or looking back at choices made by cancer patients and the ramifications of their choices.
in treating cancer, there is no one size fits all, unfortunately. there may be recommended guidelines for treatment in certain types of cancer, but there are treatment options and choices that every cancer patient has to make. it is really a gamble. what if the treatment causes problems on down the line? heart issues and possibly other cancers just to name a few . is the risk worth the gain in other words. when i was practicing pharmacy, i felt that the most important part of my job was to counsel patients on the side effects/ interactions of their medications. i felt that once the patient was aware of possible side effects, they could weigh the risks versus the benefits of a particular medication. in most cases, i felt that the benefits would outweigh the risks, or side effects, but i always made it clear that this was the patient's decision. i told them to be their own best patient advocate. get the good advice from their physician and pharmacist, and then make a decision that was right for them.
i had to take my own advice and be my own best patient advocate for both of my cancers. choosing a physician, hospital, treatment plan,etc. were tough decisions that i had to make myself. that is not to say that i did not listen to my doctors, family and friends before making those decisions. but i am the one who ultimately has to live with those decisions. that brings us to the carousel part of this blog. having cancer has made me feel helpless at times. i do feel like i am on a carousel going up one day- feeling good about the choices that i have made, but then going down the next- doubting my decisions.
on the cbs program, there was a segment on " going flat" for breast cancer patients. that is a decision that i labored over. my surgeon and plastic surgeon were horrified that i was even considering not having reconstruction. my feelings on this were, well, i am losing both my breasts and even though my plastic surgeon is amazing, there is no substitute for a real breast. and i will not lie to you- reconstruction is painful. the process began when i was on the table having my mastectomies, continued during the time that i was having chemotherapy, and did not wrap up until six months later- with a final surgery to receive my permanent implants. there has been off and on pain in my reconstructed breasts, but it has not been unbearable. i think the one unexpected thing that sealed the deal for me, that finally made me realize that i had made the correct decision for me, was the 3D areola and nipple tattoos. when i look in the mirror now, i do not see two huge scars stretching over my chest, i see a semblance of normal. it is the new me 2.0. not necessarily the best me, but a more acceptable me to my eyes.
i will tell you one funny thing that was said about reconstructed breasts. the plastic surgeon that cbs interviewed for the cancer program said, " well, i tell my patients that if they sleep on their stomachs, it will be uncomfortable. it will be like lying on a frisbee." hahaha... she is correct on this. i am a back sleeper totally, now.
so, as a cancer patient i go round and round on the carousel. i am up some days, and some days i am down. i look back at the decisions that i have made about my treatment and hope for the best outcome. i am not a warrior. i am not out to beat cancer ( remember, in my last blog i said that cancer beat the stuffing out of me). but i am a decision maker, a planner, and i try to stay positive and enjoy my life. really, that is all that any of us- cancer patient or not- can do.
in treating cancer, there is no one size fits all, unfortunately. there may be recommended guidelines for treatment in certain types of cancer, but there are treatment options and choices that every cancer patient has to make. it is really a gamble. what if the treatment causes problems on down the line? heart issues and possibly other cancers just to name a few . is the risk worth the gain in other words. when i was practicing pharmacy, i felt that the most important part of my job was to counsel patients on the side effects/ interactions of their medications. i felt that once the patient was aware of possible side effects, they could weigh the risks versus the benefits of a particular medication. in most cases, i felt that the benefits would outweigh the risks, or side effects, but i always made it clear that this was the patient's decision. i told them to be their own best patient advocate. get the good advice from their physician and pharmacist, and then make a decision that was right for them.
i had to take my own advice and be my own best patient advocate for both of my cancers. choosing a physician, hospital, treatment plan,etc. were tough decisions that i had to make myself. that is not to say that i did not listen to my doctors, family and friends before making those decisions. but i am the one who ultimately has to live with those decisions. that brings us to the carousel part of this blog. having cancer has made me feel helpless at times. i do feel like i am on a carousel going up one day- feeling good about the choices that i have made, but then going down the next- doubting my decisions.
on the cbs program, there was a segment on " going flat" for breast cancer patients. that is a decision that i labored over. my surgeon and plastic surgeon were horrified that i was even considering not having reconstruction. my feelings on this were, well, i am losing both my breasts and even though my plastic surgeon is amazing, there is no substitute for a real breast. and i will not lie to you- reconstruction is painful. the process began when i was on the table having my mastectomies, continued during the time that i was having chemotherapy, and did not wrap up until six months later- with a final surgery to receive my permanent implants. there has been off and on pain in my reconstructed breasts, but it has not been unbearable. i think the one unexpected thing that sealed the deal for me, that finally made me realize that i had made the correct decision for me, was the 3D areola and nipple tattoos. when i look in the mirror now, i do not see two huge scars stretching over my chest, i see a semblance of normal. it is the new me 2.0. not necessarily the best me, but a more acceptable me to my eyes.
i will tell you one funny thing that was said about reconstructed breasts. the plastic surgeon that cbs interviewed for the cancer program said, " well, i tell my patients that if they sleep on their stomachs, it will be uncomfortable. it will be like lying on a frisbee." hahaha... she is correct on this. i am a back sleeper totally, now.
so, as a cancer patient i go round and round on the carousel. i am up some days, and some days i am down. i look back at the decisions that i have made about my treatment and hope for the best outcome. i am not a warrior. i am not out to beat cancer ( remember, in my last blog i said that cancer beat the stuffing out of me). but i am a decision maker, a planner, and i try to stay positive and enjoy my life. really, that is all that any of us- cancer patient or not- can do.
Wednesday, July 19, 2017
" at first i was afraid, i was petrified...i will survive. as long as i know how to love, i know i'll stay alive... i've got all my life to live, and i've got all my love to give. and i'll survive, i will survive." i will survive by gloria gaynor
i started this blog back in april, 2010, when i was first diagnosed with thyroid cancer. it has served several purposes, i think. writing about my experiences has been therapeutic for me. it has helped me work through my feelings about having cancer in a positive way. also, it has always been my sincere wish that my blog posts will let people know that they are not alone in this cancer journey. for me, not knowing what might happen- and that includes medical as well as emotional issues, is the worst thing. if i can help someone who is afraid of the cancer road ahead of them cope a little bit better by knowing how things were for me, well, then i am happy. i feel like i have accomplished something, albeit small.
one of my most treasured possessions is a book of my blogs, starting from may 8th, 2010 ( my first blog post ) through december 6th, 2010. my daughter had the book made as a Christmas present for me. she put a picture of a beautiful butterfly on the front cover, a picture of our home on the back, and an inscription inside the front cover that still brings tears to my eyes when i read it. it says, just a minute while i get a kleenex, " for mom, who has dealt with her thyroid cancer with humor, grace, and self-reflection. i love you!" i certainly hope that i have done a good job with that. adding a second cancer, breast cancer, in 2015, changed the tone of my blog a bit. while i still try to add humor whenever i can, i think my blog is now more reflective.
the way that i usually write my blogs is that a song pops into my head that i can not get rid of. from those lyrics, i start to think about what i would like to write about. occasionally, the subject matter comes first and then i match it up with song lyrics, but usually the music comes first. music has always been an important part of my life. it affects my mood in a positive way and makes dealing with difficult issues, such as treatments, surgeries, outcomes,etc, easier for me . being outside in nature runs a pretty close second to music , though. i think that it is important that everyone decide for themselves what are the best coping strategies - be it music, being out in nature, writing about cancer experiences,etc.and try to incorporate those things into your life as much as you possibly can. music, nature, and writing make me have a happier life. it might be bingo and margaritas for someone else, but whatever it is, my best advice is to go with it.
i recently read about an extremely talented mathematician, from iran, who recently passed away from breast cancer. her name was maryam mirzakhani, and she was the first woman to win the math world's nobel prize ( it is called the fields medal ) for the first time. one of her co-workers said this:" a genius? yes. but also a daughter, a mother, and a wife." this made me think about the quality verses the quantity of life. certainly, i want to live as long as possible, but the quality of a well lived life is immeasurably important. only a small percentage of us will be able to do things that are globally important and meaningful. the rest of us should do what we can on a " regional level" you might say to improve the lives of others. i feel that our actions do not have to be on a grand scale. what if all of us did just a few positive things? that certainly could change the world for the better. or at least in our little part of the world.
it is important to survive. we should all do the best that we can, and all that we can, to take care of ourselves. but i think that it is more important to actually live a good life . none of us knows how much time we have here on earth. we can not control the quantity of time that we have, whether we have a serious disease such as cancer or not . what we all can control, though, is the quality of our life. help someone, love someone.
one of my most treasured possessions is a book of my blogs, starting from may 8th, 2010 ( my first blog post ) through december 6th, 2010. my daughter had the book made as a Christmas present for me. she put a picture of a beautiful butterfly on the front cover, a picture of our home on the back, and an inscription inside the front cover that still brings tears to my eyes when i read it. it says, just a minute while i get a kleenex, " for mom, who has dealt with her thyroid cancer with humor, grace, and self-reflection. i love you!" i certainly hope that i have done a good job with that. adding a second cancer, breast cancer, in 2015, changed the tone of my blog a bit. while i still try to add humor whenever i can, i think my blog is now more reflective.
the way that i usually write my blogs is that a song pops into my head that i can not get rid of. from those lyrics, i start to think about what i would like to write about. occasionally, the subject matter comes first and then i match it up with song lyrics, but usually the music comes first. music has always been an important part of my life. it affects my mood in a positive way and makes dealing with difficult issues, such as treatments, surgeries, outcomes,etc, easier for me . being outside in nature runs a pretty close second to music , though. i think that it is important that everyone decide for themselves what are the best coping strategies - be it music, being out in nature, writing about cancer experiences,etc.and try to incorporate those things into your life as much as you possibly can. music, nature, and writing make me have a happier life. it might be bingo and margaritas for someone else, but whatever it is, my best advice is to go with it.
i recently read about an extremely talented mathematician, from iran, who recently passed away from breast cancer. her name was maryam mirzakhani, and she was the first woman to win the math world's nobel prize ( it is called the fields medal ) for the first time. one of her co-workers said this:" a genius? yes. but also a daughter, a mother, and a wife." this made me think about the quality verses the quantity of life. certainly, i want to live as long as possible, but the quality of a well lived life is immeasurably important. only a small percentage of us will be able to do things that are globally important and meaningful. the rest of us should do what we can on a " regional level" you might say to improve the lives of others. i feel that our actions do not have to be on a grand scale. what if all of us did just a few positive things? that certainly could change the world for the better. or at least in our little part of the world.
it is important to survive. we should all do the best that we can, and all that we can, to take care of ourselves. but i think that it is more important to actually live a good life . none of us knows how much time we have here on earth. we can not control the quantity of time that we have, whether we have a serious disease such as cancer or not . what we all can control, though, is the quality of our life. help someone, love someone.
Thursday, July 6, 2017
" you, who are on the road, must have a code, that you can live by. and so become yourself, because the past, is just a goodbye...teach your children well..." teach your children, by crosby, stills, nash and young
i happened to skim over an article on facebook the other day, on a fairly popular cancer survivors website. the crux of the article was basically what lesson(s) cancer can teach us. the author of the article said something that resonated with me. this person said that one of her oncology nurses, and this was a no-nonsense, very professional, business like person ( i am describing the nurse here) asked the cancer patient what lesson(s) cancer had to offer them. the cancer patient said that she was surprised to hear this type of statement coming from a non "woo-woo" health care professional, i believe her words were. i suppose she meant that this nurse was not of the new age persuasion. not that i think this topic is new age or any other age for that matter.
the article stated that this cancer patient had " beat cancer". i take issue with those words. first of all, i did not beat cancer, cancer beat the absolute stuffing out of me. it is sort of like when the flying monkeys got finished with the scarecrow from the movie " the land of oz.". do you remember when the poor scarecrow said something like, " well, that is just me all over!" and was picking up the straw and trying to put himself together again. that was what cancer did to me. i am still trying to put that darn straw back where it belongs.
that said, i did indeed learn a few lessons from having had cancer. i always thought that i had things pretty well figured out in my life. go to work and take care of my family. once a year, my husband and i took a vacation somewhere, and vowed to take more time for ourselves going forward . this went on for absolute years. wash, rinse, repeat, as the saying goes. i knew that stress was getting the best of me, and that i needed to do some things that i had always wanted to do. but how? how could i possibly get off of the hamster wheel that was in charge of my life? well, when you get sick, your whole world changes. at first, and i think this applies to almost every cancer patient, you are just focused on the diagnosis, treatment, just the medical issues and your survival. as i have said before, your brain goes on auto- pilot and you are making medical decisions at a frantic and frightening pace.
when that part of your adventure is over, and you are in the recovery phase, also known as the what in the world do i do now phase , you begin to think seriously about your life. you managed to get off of the darn hamster wheel, but what now? i had some serious questions for myself at this point.one question was how did i get cancer- two cancers that no one else in my entire family had ever had. was it something that i was exposed to? something i ate? stress? i had no risk factors for either one of those cancers. although, in the spirit of full disclosure, several members of my family had and still have thyroid disorders. no cancer, though, until me. i am almost positive that i will never be able to answer this question. the second question was where do i go from here?
let me say now that i enjoyed my work. was it stressful? yes, very. but sometimes i think that we are too quick to blame stress for a lot of our unfortunate health conditions. however, i did not want that level of stress in my life anymore. i found it hard to concentrate on my work after all of the surgeries and chemotherapy that i had to have. i could do it, it just took too much of my energy to do it well. so i had to decide what i wanted to do with the rest of my life. learning that i was mortal ( jeez, i could actually die from this!) was also a lesson for me. of course, i know that i will die at some point, but let's just say a cancer diagnosis is a not so friendly reminder of this fact.
i really like the words to "teach your children" that go:" you, who are on the road, must have a code, that you can live by. and so become yourself. " bingo. as oprah would say, that was my " aha " moment in my cancer adventure. i am becoming myself. it is a gradual process. i am doing the things that i love- writing, doing crafts, spending time with my husband,, spending time with my children and grandchildren. things that i did not have very much time for before i had cancer. i realize that i am very lucky to be able to retire now and do these things. i know that some people are not as fortunate as i am. they get their diagnosis when they are younger- when they can not disregard the demands of work, and when they have family obligations that make it impossible to do everything that they would like to be doing. even so, i think that there is a shift in thinking. cancer patients, for the most part, decide pretty quickly what things are important, and what things are not.
so, to wrap this up, cancer is teaching me ( remember, i am a work in progress) to become myself. to be true to myself. to be grateful, and appreciate even the small goodies in life. and thankfully, hopefully, the past will be " just a good-bye".
the article stated that this cancer patient had " beat cancer". i take issue with those words. first of all, i did not beat cancer, cancer beat the absolute stuffing out of me. it is sort of like when the flying monkeys got finished with the scarecrow from the movie " the land of oz.". do you remember when the poor scarecrow said something like, " well, that is just me all over!" and was picking up the straw and trying to put himself together again. that was what cancer did to me. i am still trying to put that darn straw back where it belongs.
that said, i did indeed learn a few lessons from having had cancer. i always thought that i had things pretty well figured out in my life. go to work and take care of my family. once a year, my husband and i took a vacation somewhere, and vowed to take more time for ourselves going forward . this went on for absolute years. wash, rinse, repeat, as the saying goes. i knew that stress was getting the best of me, and that i needed to do some things that i had always wanted to do. but how? how could i possibly get off of the hamster wheel that was in charge of my life? well, when you get sick, your whole world changes. at first, and i think this applies to almost every cancer patient, you are just focused on the diagnosis, treatment, just the medical issues and your survival. as i have said before, your brain goes on auto- pilot and you are making medical decisions at a frantic and frightening pace.
when that part of your adventure is over, and you are in the recovery phase, also known as the what in the world do i do now phase , you begin to think seriously about your life. you managed to get off of the darn hamster wheel, but what now? i had some serious questions for myself at this point.one question was how did i get cancer- two cancers that no one else in my entire family had ever had. was it something that i was exposed to? something i ate? stress? i had no risk factors for either one of those cancers. although, in the spirit of full disclosure, several members of my family had and still have thyroid disorders. no cancer, though, until me. i am almost positive that i will never be able to answer this question. the second question was where do i go from here?
let me say now that i enjoyed my work. was it stressful? yes, very. but sometimes i think that we are too quick to blame stress for a lot of our unfortunate health conditions. however, i did not want that level of stress in my life anymore. i found it hard to concentrate on my work after all of the surgeries and chemotherapy that i had to have. i could do it, it just took too much of my energy to do it well. so i had to decide what i wanted to do with the rest of my life. learning that i was mortal ( jeez, i could actually die from this!) was also a lesson for me. of course, i know that i will die at some point, but let's just say a cancer diagnosis is a not so friendly reminder of this fact.
i really like the words to "teach your children" that go:" you, who are on the road, must have a code, that you can live by. and so become yourself. " bingo. as oprah would say, that was my " aha " moment in my cancer adventure. i am becoming myself. it is a gradual process. i am doing the things that i love- writing, doing crafts, spending time with my husband,, spending time with my children and grandchildren. things that i did not have very much time for before i had cancer. i realize that i am very lucky to be able to retire now and do these things. i know that some people are not as fortunate as i am. they get their diagnosis when they are younger- when they can not disregard the demands of work, and when they have family obligations that make it impossible to do everything that they would like to be doing. even so, i think that there is a shift in thinking. cancer patients, for the most part, decide pretty quickly what things are important, and what things are not.
so, to wrap this up, cancer is teaching me ( remember, i am a work in progress) to become myself. to be true to myself. to be grateful, and appreciate even the small goodies in life. and thankfully, hopefully, the past will be " just a good-bye".
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