having had cancer twice, i have often wondered " why me?". not why did i get cancer twice, but why did i survive when others i have known have not? i suppose that you could call this survivors guilt. i have read a little about this lately, and i really did not think about it that much until recently. having a serious disease, like cancer, is somewhat like peeling an onion. the first layers are the early days- diagnosis, treatment, aftercare. i call them the mechanical part of the process. while this part does require some thought and study, it seems to occupy a different part of one's brain. one can make these decisions rather unemotionally or rationally, without a great deal of self reflection.
the next part of "peeling the onion" is realizing that in having had this disease, one's life has changed forever. there is no going back to what was a more innocent and carefree time. of course, i did not realize this until later on. some of the things that i dealt with before cancer seemed so important, so earth shattering, but in comparison to cancer, they were pretty inconsequential.
after a period of self reflection, and trying to answer the question of "where do i go from here?" i came to the heart of the "onion". why did i survive? not that i am complaining in any way, but so many others- wonderful, kind, productive, intelligent, important, young,etc, people have not survived cancer. i do not think that anyone can really answer this question. i am very grateful for still being here. i am grateful for the time that i get to spend with my family and friends.
nature is very important to me. i seek solace in being outside. the mountains where i live are as important to me as the air that i breathe. i especially like the part of the above quote from john muir, -"we all flow from one fountain Soul". i believe that everything in this world is connected. i was fortunate enough to be able to see the orionid meteor shower last week. i awoke at 5am and decided to go stand on our front steps to see if i could spot any meteors. i really did not expect to be that lucky , but i was fortunate to see about a dozen or so.the orinoid meteor shower is caused by the earth passing through little bits of debris from halley's comet. i remember seeing halley's comet back in the 1980's. my husband and i took our daughter, who was only a baby, up to the parkway to get a better view. i see this as a connection between the major event of over 30 years ago, one that i will never forget, and the smaller celestial event that i witnessed last week.
for whatever reason, i am still here. nothing in life is certain, but i am thankful, if puzzled, as to "why me." i almost feel like i should accomplish great things now, but i can not imagine what that would be. i am, as i feel a lot of cancer patients are, more aware of my life. i am grateful and will try to make the best of my time here on this wonderful and beautiful earth.
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