" i watch the ripples change their size, but never leave the stream. of warm impermanence and so the days float through my eyes, but still the days seem the same....time may change me, but you can't trace time. ..turn and face the stranger, oh look out you rock and rollers! pretty soon you're gonna get a little older....ch-ch-changes... time may change me, but i can't trace time. " changes, by david bowie

unless you have had cancer, you can not possibly know how it is to face a major life changing experience and then somehow go on with your "new normal" like nothing has happened! you get this terrible diagnosis, try to gather all of the information about your condition as you can, consult with (hopefully) knowledgeable health professionals, and then come up with your plan of action. if you are lucky, things go well( like you had planned) and then you get to go back to your "normal" life. the problem with this idea  being that no matter how hard you and everybody else may try, you will never be able to return to your old life, your old normal being a thing of the past.

for one thing, your body changes. you have a scar on your neck now. at first my scar made me look  like i had auditioned for, and won, the part of the bride of Frankenstein. i made small children cry and run to find their parents. now, you can not tell that  i have a scar, most of the time- unless i swallow or turn my neck  a certain way. i have vitamin e oil to thank for that.oh, and a good surgeon. i should mention him, i guess.  i lost quite a bit of hair after my treatment dose of the I-131. don't you just hate it when your hair dresser mentions this fact? well, duh, i kind of know i am losing my hair, thanks for pointing it out! it did grow back though, and even came back a bit curly, as they promised in the cancer handbook.

and then, there is that low, to no energy part. that has been the worst for me. adjusting my thyroid replacement dose has been quite a feat. i am not there yet. i thought that i was, but my tell-tale heart gave me away. in other words, my endocrinologist heard my heart skipping a beat during my last exam, and decided to lower my dose. now i have an uncontrollable attraction to my bed- lets just say i am metal and my bed, a magnet. long work weeks wipe me out, and it takes me a day or so to recover. i know that i am getting older,too, geez. but i should be able to do more. push myself a little more. now my body says," no way, no how, that is it! had enough. " in other words, nap time.

it is difficult to explain all the crazy mix of feelings that you have when you get a cancer diagnosis. fear, anger, worry, frustration,anxiety,helplessness,etc. what do you do now? how will it affect your family and loved ones? what if the damn stuff comes back? how do you put this out of your mind and live your life,even though it is your life, but it is not. it is your new normal and somehow you must learn to cope with all the changes.

i am still working on the answers to these, and many more, questions. i am thankful to be cancer free for two years, and i am thankful for every good test that i get back, even if testing makes me anxious. i am just taking one day at a time, and trying not to be too hard on myself. it is all just part of my new normal, i guess.

" if you want me, gimme a little sugar, if you don't want me, don't lead me on girl. but if you need me show me that you love me. and when i'm feeling blue and i want you, there's just one thing that you should do.... just gimme some kind of sign girl, on my baby, to show me that you're mine girl, all right." Gimme little sign, by don dixon

when these lyrics popped into my head, you know the story- the quarter went in, but i had to shake the jukebox a little to get it to play! this song is by an artist who had a group( and i am really, really showing my age here) called arrogance. they were extremely popular at unc-chapel hill, where i went to school. i never missed one of their concerts when they were in town.( they toured some, but were originally from the chapel hill area )  mr. dixon went on to become a famous record producer for REM and other groups, and the band broke up, to my dismay. i guess this seems fitting to remember a group from my past, this close to memorial day. first and foremost, of course, we remember our service men and women on this day, but i also remember my family and friends who have passed away. especially, i am remembering my parents, which i do basically every day. i wish that i had had them with me for a while longer, but i am thankful for the time that we did have together.

this weekend,my husband and i  went to see our  children and their spouses, and of course our grandson. while we were in cary, i met a man whose wife had had cancer surgery at the same hospital where i had mine. we could have even had the same surgeon, but i did not ask. "bill"- not his real name, is a very tall, big man, i would guess in his early 40's. his wife is a one year breast cancer survivor. now, bill is a man's man- big, strapping guy, no nonsense, but as nice as can be. he told me that next week, on the exact one year anniversary of his wife's surgery, he will be wearing a pink shirt. how great! he was a little worried about wearing pink- i am pretty sure that he has never worn a pink shirt before! but at the same time, i think that it is a very sweet gesture, i know his wife will appreciate it, and, well, considering his size, i am quite sure that no one will tease bill too much about his shirt color. that got me to thinking about next year. ( this part is a message to my husband) " honey, will you please wear a shirt to honor my, it will be, third year cancer free anniversary?" only problem is though, thyroid cancer has three colors. they are pink, teal, and what they describe as dark blue( looks like purple to me). i guess we will just have to work out how we will do this later.

i love hearing stories about how family members support cancer patients. my husband told me that a man who comes in his store had on one of those yellow,plastic  cancer bracelets. my husband asked him if he was into biking( lance armstrong) and he told him no, that he wore it for his wife. turns out, his wife had thyroid cancer about ten years ago and he has worn the bracelet  ever since in honor of his wife. these signs of support mean a lot to me, as i am sure that they do to other cancer patients . my husband wears a cancer bracelet for me,too. and i am pretty sure that next year , on may 19th , he will be wearing a new color of shirt,too!

i have thought about how small signs of support like these mean to me, and other cancer patients. i can only imagine how our family members and friends must feel about them. i suppose  it makes them feel like they are helping us with their love and support- showing us and the world how much they care about us and want to help. this goes way beyond a shirt color or a bracelet, of course, but it sure is good to see our families/friends making a statement for us. and next week, i hope that bill has all of  his coworkers and family cheering him on the day he wears his pink shirt. i know i will be.

"hey,hey! now it's mambo, italiano. hey, mambo, mambo italiano. i love-a how you dance rumba, but take some advice, paisano, learn how to mambo. if you're gonna be square, you're never gonna go nowhere. hey mambo, mambo italiano! hey mambo, mambo italiano! go, go joe, shake a- like a gioviano. hello, guesadicha. you getta happy in the feets- a when you mambo italiano!" Mambo Italiano, by many artists . i like the one by bette midler.

actually, i love to salsa more than any other dance that we do in zumba. i could just salsa all class period, if our instructor would do that. i have not been to zumba in so long, i am not sure what they are doing. today in physical therapy, my physical therapist said " we are going to do some zumba moves!" she sure knows how to motivate me. what they were actually, were lunges. all kinds of lunges. lunges to the side, back, front, across the room, on a special exercise ball, etc. . boy, do my thighs hurt this evening! and i can tell you that it is not zumba! no great music, dance moves, or belly scarves. for the first time, though, i actually feel like i am going to get better enough to go back to zumba before too much longer. i may be rusty at first, but by golly when we do lunges i will be on top of things! i am the only one, it seems, who comes out of physical therapy with  sweat dripping off of me, and with a red face. my daughter seems to think that i have a personal trainer instead of a physical therapist. whatever you want to call it, it sure has helped. it took longer than i would have liked though, and i almost got discouraged, because my crazy work schedule only allowed one visit per week, most weeks. next week, i get to go twice. ( double the lunges, i guess).

i am starting to adjust somewhat to my new levoxyl dose. my energy is returning somewhat,even  on the "137" days. i still have more energy on my two "150" days per week, though. i figure that it averages out to about 140mcg a day. it still amazes me how just a tiny dose increase/decrease can affect your body in such profound ways. i realize that not having a thyroid makes getting a correct dose for me more difficult. i also know that it will have to be adjusted probably many times in the years( i hope) to come. thankfully, my doctor is willing to compromise with me on the dose. she pays attention to how i am feeling, not just the lab results.

this is my long week at work because i work the weekend. that makes a six out of seven day work week. on saturday, i will celebrate my, drum roll here, please,  TWO YEAR CANCER FREE ANNIVERSARY!! i bought a special black and sequined top to wear to work. i am not sure why, but i wanted to wear sequins to work that day. i am a fairly conservative dresser, but this is a very special occasion to me, obviously. i also am wearing my sparkly allegria shoes with the rhinestone buckles. i figure if anyone gets too close to me, they will be blinded by all of my bling! i plan to add some sparkly jewelry,too. no one knows about my "dress" plans for that day- except of course for you guys. i am looking forward to some element of surprise on that day. usually on saturday, i dress more casually, so it should really be a change. i am also making cupcakes to take to work that day. i always plan on having some kind of cake on my anniversary day, as well. i hope those of you celebrating cancer free anniversary days do something special. something that makes you happy. i am still learning from my "adventures with cancer" but one thing i know for sure, i really, really try to make every day count and i try to be happy. even if it is just a little thing. a salsa. a belly scarf. a little bling on your clothes. a cupcake.

"we skipped the light fandango, and turned cartwheels 'cross the floor. i was feeling kind of sea sick, but the crowd called out for more. the room was humming harder, as the ceiling flew away. ....and so it was that later, as the miller told his tale, that her face at first just ghostly, turned a whiter shade of pale." Whiter shade of pale, by procol harum.

last week i had to have a diagnostic mammogram. it was because the radiologist " saw something" on my last mammogram six months ago. my, does time fly! i got all worked up about the last one( they called me back a few days after my regular mammogram in november  and told me that they needed to do a cone mammogram) this time however, i decided not to get all worked up about things. i was going to drive myself to the mammogram center, but my husband decided to come along at the last minute. it is a two hour round trip drive, and our only day off for the week. but i am glad that he did.

so, the technician does the mammograms- she did the cone one,too. yeah. have you ever had a cone mammogram? the first time i saw the "plates", i am not sure of the correct term, i thought, now just how am i going to fit in there? somehow i did,though. the main problem i have when i have mammograms is that i start holding my breath too soon. the moment the technician turns the clamp, so to speak, i automatically hold my breath. so she gets over there to her machine, and says" hold your breath now", but of course, i have already started without her. the rate i am going, i should be able to break the record for breath holding before too long.

i can not tell you how long it seemed before the technician came back into my little cubby.  instead of telling me, o.k. great, you can go home now! she said," uh, the radiologist said that he needs to see more pictures in this one area." have you ever wondered how i go about getting my song ideas for my blogs? well, my mind is like one of those old fashioned juke- box players  that used to be  in diner type restaurants. i have all of these songs up there waiting, and some event happens, and boom, i put a quarter in, and it plays an appropriate song. i have not thought about this song in ages, although i loved it. i can tell you though, when the technician came in and told me i needed to go back in for more pictures, i am sure that my face was indeed a whiter shade of pale.

so i have more pictures taken  on the" trouble making" side, and wait some more. this time, the special nurse comes in and tells me that everything is o.k. the radiologist thinks that this looks the same- no changes- from last year. he just wanted to make sure. well, i am thankful that he is thorough. i have to come back in six months and do it all over again- this time on both sides. i am also thankful that my husband went with me. he said," wow, you look a little pale, is everything o.k.?" when you have had cancer it is hard to have tests, as i am sure  most of you who read my blog  already know. it is also hard,though, on our loved ones. it was a quiet trip back home.  i guess  i should have been turning cartwheels across the floor, but  i just felt like i had dodged another bullet.

my children and grandson are coming home later today. i can not wait to see everyone! i am going to " kiss my grandson until his hair is wet" as a good friend of mine says. and i will be thankful that everything turned out o.k. happy mothers day, everyone!

"....say, here i am, on the road again. there i am, up on the stage. here i go, playing star again, there i go, turn the page. ....out there in the spotlight you're a million miles away. every ounce of energy you try to give away. as the sweat pours out of your body, like the music that you play. here i am, on the road again. there i am, up on the stage. here i go, playing star again. there i go, turn the page." Turn the page, by bob seger

i guess that i have been fortunate for a while to be off of the "thyroid-less roller coaster." i felt pretty good, and i know that it was because my thyroid levels , up to now, have been  good for me. since my endo has changed my dose though, i feel like i have a one-way ticket on the thyroid-less roller coaster, a never ending ride. i sort of feel like dr. jeckyl and mr. hyde. one day i am upbeat, have some energy, feel like my new normal and i think that people might actually like to be around me. the next day,however, i am grumpy, tired, and,well, sort of mr. hyde-ish. my husband has started asking me, " uh, honey, is it a 150 or 137 day?"( a reference to my levoxyl dose that day). no doubt he asks this so he can make " outside plans" for the day.

i am still hopeful that my thyroid  levels will level out and perhaps i will feel better, but i am not seeing it yet. i rotate my two precious 150mcg days to my two  busiest work days, so that i will have more energy and actually be able to drive home after work, haha. yesterday was a good day- (150), but i needed it to work my evening shift and it was the first of the month. (anyone in pharmacy or health care knows the horrors associated with the first of the month. it is legendary.) today is not so good. i am having a bumpy ride for sure( you could ask my husband, but he is outside working on the yard, he told me that he has LOTS of things to do out there today. ) here is the thing about being thyroid-less. if you have thyroid disease, but have your thyroid, the little guy may not be doing his job very well, but at least he is pumping out a little thyroid hormone.this makes a change in dose, while not so pleasant for sure, a little bit easier to handle. if your thyroid has up and left you, you depend 100% on your thyroid dose to keep your body up and running.

the reason that this bob seger song  came to mind when i was thinking about this blog, is that no matter how badly thyroid patients feel, we all have to hit the road, get back on stage, and do the best that we can. i suppose that anyone dealing with chronic health issues has to be able to do this,too. one way to cope is to have a special activity- physical activity is best for me. i am still going to physical therapy in hopes of getting back to zumba class. my knee is still not 100%, but i am getting there slowly. monday when i was at physical therapy, i really got a work out. i actually worked up a sweat, and my muscles- especially my thighs( we did "zumba lunges" as my therapist called them. she knows how to motivate me) were sore yesterday and today. it was a good feeling to have sore muscles again! sounds weird, i know, but i have missed that. i know i am sooooooo out of shape that it will take a while for me to get back to where i was before my knee injury. i am hoping , just like i did when i went to my first live zumba class, that when i do go back to class, they will not need to call 911. the physical therapist told me that  when i go back to class, to only do 50%, not give it my all. now, that is something  i am NOT  sure that i can do. i might not have been the best dancer in the class, but, by golly, i danced with gusto and gave it everything that i had.

well, i have to get motivated, somehow, and get my errands and chores done today. tomorrow is a "150" because it is the third of the month ( also legendary) and i am off the rest of the week. i have another physical therapy session on friday, so i guess i  will do some more zumba lunges along with my regular exercises. it is also an "assessment day". she will determine from my progress,or lack of, how much longer i need physical therapy and when i can go back to zumba class. i hope i can go back soon- before the silver coins on my belly scarves tarnish . also, i am afraid that my husband might be making cartoon character topiaries   out of our shrubbery. that would take some time..... just saying.

" well, i'm a runnin' down the road, try'n to loosen my load-..... Don't let the sound of your own wheels make you crazy. lighten up while you still can, don't even try to understand, just find a place to make your stand, and take it easy. We may lose and we may win, though we may never be here again.... to take it easy." Take it easy, by the Eagles.

i think that the relationship between you and your doctor, in this case, endocrinologist, is like a good marriage. there must be compromise. i told you all last time, that my doctor decreased my levoxyl dose, from 150mcg down to 137mcg. i had a very hard time with that reduction! i worked two evenings last week, and by the second evening i knew that i was in trouble. i could not focus very well, mentally as well as focusing  my eyes. i actually had blurred vision.  this happened about 7:30pm. when i work the evening shift, i work from 12 to 9pm. so i had an hour and a half to try to keep things together, and a 30 minute drive home after that. i knew that something had to give!

i called my endo the next day, and left a message with her nurse. i did not hear anything until the next day. i had asked that if my dose could not be increased back up to the 150mcg every day, could i at least take the 150mcg two days a week? i guess she took a day to think about things. i could not blame her for that. the next day the nurse called me back and said that yes, i could take the 150mcg two days a week. YIPEE!! i chose mondays and fridays for two reasons. one being that it sort of breaks up the week as evenly as possible, and reason two being that mondays and fridays are our busiest days at work. i have to be able to focus at my job!

it is a little early to tell, but i think that maybe this will work out for me. i took my "first" 150mcg dose of levoxyl this past friday, and although i have had bronchitis for the past few days, i felt that i had more energy and i did not feel as "fuzzy". fuzzy is o.k. if you are a stuffed animal, but not if you are a person and are trying to do a job where you could actually make a mistake that, well, might hurt someone. it is so hard for anyone else to understand, a normal person, you know a person that has not lost their "butterfly", what a thyroid patient goes through. just a small change in your thyroid dosage and here we go again. all aboard the thyroid-less roller coaster ride. it really feels like i am on a roller coaster- i get waves of energy, then fatigue, then maybe a little energy before the long fatigue stretch. the problem is, i am not at an amusement park, the ride never ends, and somehow it keeps changing along the way. hair loss, no hair loss, concentration problems, etc. people who do not have a thyroid problem think that we all  just  take a tablet and everything is just fine. no problems, right? although i have empathy for those patients dealing with a heart condition, or diabetes, or high blood pressure, i will admit that i do not fully understand what they are going through. this helps me keep things in perspective when someone says something stupid to me. you know, like " you do not really need your thyroid, do you?". or, the worst one, the one that made steam come out both of my ears was from a physician. she told a patient that she should take this particular medication. the patient was hesitant, because she had read the side effects and one of them happened to be thyroid cancer. she told her doctor that she was not going to take this medication because of that. her doctor said, i swear this is true and these are her exact words, "WHY NOT, IT'S ONLY THYROID CANCER?!" 


this made me even more thankful for my endo, and the fact that she was willing to compromise with me on my levoxyl dose. it seems like an endless battle, and endless thyroid-less roller coaster ride, for those of us who have to deal with thyroid/parathyroid issues. all i can tell you is to just keep trying to figure out what is best for you. i hope that you are able to talk to your doctor, and work out something that is agreeable to both of you. oh, and also take it easy.

"dream,dream,dream, dream,dream,dream...when i feel blue in the night, and i need you to hold me tight, ....dream,dream,dream...only trouble is, gee wiz, i 'm dreaming my life away. i need you so that i could die, i love you so, and that is why, whenever i want you, all i have to do is dream,dream,dream,etc.. " All i have to do is dream, by the everly brothers

when i got to work the other day, i found a brand new prescription waiting for me- a levoxyl one, for 13mcg less than i used to take! i was on the 150mcg strength, and my doctor had called in one for the 137mcg one. of course, and i am sure many, many of you out there can relate to this, i had just gotten a 90 day supply of the 150mcg filled a couple of weeks ago! more than that,though, i had not gotten anything in the mail, or a call from my doctors office. i called my doctors nurse immediately and left a message. i will give her this, she called me right back. she said that my T-4 was indeed high, and my doctor needed to reduce my dosage. it would have been nice to know before hand,though. while i will admit that it was not a complete surprise to me, i still would have welcomed the opportunity to talk to someone about it first.

now, you would not think that just a 13mcg reduction in my dose would do much, right? well, if i had any thyroid at all, maybe i would not notice it that much. i am so glad that i started it this weekend since i am off and can rest a bit . i am afraid that next week will be pretty tough,though. you see, all i want to do is sleep!! my heart has stopped doing the mambo, not that i noticed it much, or really worried about it, but i guess that is a plus.my blood pressure is still a little high, so i will have to wait a bit to see how that ends up.

before my surgery, i used to take a small dose of cytomel( T-3) once daily. it was sort of like a cup of strong coffee in the afternoon. since my T-3 level this time  was about mid-range, i am going to contact my doctor tomorrow and ask her if i can get back on this. it was 5mcg once daily, if anyone wants to know. some doctors are hesitant to use this drug  for some reason. i think that some doctors are perhaps not familiar with the drug, maybe afraid of possible side effects, or whatever. since my doctor has prescribed this for me before, i am hopeful that she will do so again. otherwise, i may be dreaming at work( not good- not good at all!)

as far as my other lab values went, my glucose was good( 90- but i was not fasting)- i worry about this  since i love sweets! also, diabetes is another autoimmune disease that seems to like to hang out with hypothyroid patients. my sodium was a bit high( who knows?) but my calcium was low. my doctor wants to keep this just a little low so that my two remaining parathyroids will be stimulated to work harder. to review a bit, your parathyroids control blood calcium. a "normal" person has four parathyroid glands , but you can live with just one little guy( would not want to be in his shoes,though.). everyone knows that calcium is important for our bones,so i will not go into that. what i would like to mention are symptoms of low calcium: mild tingling in the hands, fingers and around the mouth to more severe symptoms like severe muscle cramps or even worse, seizures. so, you see i ( and those other patients who are missing part of their parathyroids) walk a fine line: you need to have a high enough calcium level so that you do not have hypoparathyroidism ( makes hypothyroidism look like a walk in the park), but not too much calcium that, for one thing, your parathyroids get lazy and think about moving to Paraguay.

to make things even more challenging , i have just discovered that i have lactose intolerance, so i have been trying to eliminate dairy products- at least during the week. i will need to supplement now with some calcium. remember that this interacts with your thyroid hormone, which should be taken first thing in the morning on an empty stomach, anyway. your calcium tablets and thyroid medication should be at least four hours apart so that the calcium will not inhibit your body's absorption of your thyroid hormone.  i have decided to pack some calcium tablets  along in my lunch box. i have chosen calcium citrate as my calcium of choice. it is absorbed very well and can be taken with or without food. it is also a  little easier on your digestive system. you also need vitamin d for good calcium absorption,too. i take prescription vitamin d, and have for some time. i think that there is some correlation between hypothyroid disease and low vitamin d levels. this has not been proven, to my knowledge, i just have seen way too many hypothyroid patients, especially those with cancer, who also have low vitamin d levels. vitamin d boosts our body's immunity, for one thing. i encourage thyroid patients to ask their doctors to test their vitamin d levels when they are getting other blood work done.

this blog has probably put some of you to sleep! i hope that i have not been too technical about lab values,etc. i just want to put useful information out there that might be helpful to others who are dealing with the same challenges that i am. please ask questions if you want, and if i do not know the answer, i will look it up or recommend some good reference books. that is, if i have not fallen  asleep myself!

"......we had time against us and miles between us.... I'll be waiting for you..i put my hands up, i'll do everything different, i'll be better to you. " i'll be waiting, by adele

i STILL have not gotten my lab results back yet! this is just so frustrating. i wonder if the doctors/nurses,etc, have any idea how anxious this makes us feel? i suppose that i will have to call them tomorrow and try to find out something. they were supposed to send me a copy of my results( i like to keep them for my records). a call would have been nice,too of course. anyway, no news on that front as yet. i do not expect a problem, but my endo may have to reduce my levoxyl dose if my T-4 level is too high. she wants to keep my TSH level at near zero for now. that is because she does not want any thyroid cancer cells that might be hanging out somewhere else in my body- chilling out, you know, waiting for a chance to cause more mayhem, to be stimulated. she also told me that she never wants my TSH level to get above 0.4 or so. ( for the same reason). i will admit that i am having a few hyperthyroid effects lately. i have never had those before! the good part is that i have a little more energy, less trouble losing weight, and i feel like dancing a lot( i would ,to ,if it were not for my bum knee). the down side to this is that  my heart is skipping a few beats- but it always manages to get back in time with the music. i would not have known this, but my endo  heard it last time when she was listening to my heart. my blood pressure is also up a bit- could also be from a too high T-4 level, or not. heck, it could be from work ( always a likely candidate) or the fact that both of my parents had hypertension. i do not want any other health issues, so i am checking my blood pressure occasionally with a self inflating cuff that i bought,  and hoping for the best.

another stressful, but exciting, event that is probably making my blood pressure go up is the re-modeling project that my husband and i are doing on an upstairs room and part of our kitchen. some of my friends have asked me why in the world would i do this again? last year my husband and i did a big re-model and we managed to stay married, so why tempt fate? well, we live in a 100 year old house and this room was the last room to get some attention. no insulation, except the horrible blown in kind- the kind that all sinks to the bottom of the walls and is the devil to clean up. the wiring needed to be replaced as well. we have carpenters and a contractor doing the work, so i can not complain there, oh, but the dust! and for some reason, the last guy out does not always shut the door. last time i had a very large bat flying around the house, and this time one of our dogs came inside and was sitting on our couch waiting for me. it would have not been so bad had she been a yorkie or a small dog, but she is a 70 pound old english sheepdog. it could have been worse, i guess. i have a 120 pound german shepherd, and if he was in on it, he had the smarts to clear out before i got out of the car. i was expecting my children for the weekend, and my daughter said, " you know, mom, it smells like dog in here!". a can of febreze later, it was o.k. though.

i hope that everyone had a great holiday and enjoyed some time off with family and friends. i will certainly write a post when i do, if i do, get my lab results back. just one note, if you post a comment on a really early blog entry of mine, i may not get it. i am not alerted by my computer when i get comments, and i do not go very far back to check. my son-in-law( the computer whiz)  may be able to help me with this, but bottom line, if you have a question for me, please post it on a current entry. or please feel free to email me at my personal email address: dreamfields4ever@aol.com with any questions. i will help any way that i can!

" what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger... stand a little taller.... what does not kill you makes a fighter.... What does not kill you makes you stronger, stronger... Just me, myself and i. " Stronger ( what does not kill you makes you stronger) by Kelly Clarkson

i sure have heard those words a lot! i have also thought those words a lot. my last "testing week" brought it all home to me in a bad sort of way. i worked myself up ( so sure that something was wrong) and felt sorry for myself. all for nothing it seems. now, i do not feel sorry for myself for very long. i will not allow it. i still have not gotten my blood work test results back- i guess they are late because of the holidays. but my ultrasound was good, and that is a blessing. so this is behind me, i survived, and i hope that i am stronger because of it. my next ultrasound/blood work is scheduled for the end of september. i hope that i can handle it a little better-not get so upset about things. i should be back to regular  zumba classes  by then, so maybe that will help me de-stress a little.

speaking of zumba, no, i have not made my triumphant return as yet. i have about four weeks of physical therapy left, according to my physical therapist. i went today and she really put me through it! she strapped on a two pound weight to the ankle that is related to my bad knee and we all did some new exercises. plenty of ice packs and a little advil, and i am doing fine tonight. i have the chance to go again on wednesday, as this is my short week at work, so i get to do it again. kidding aside, this is really helping me- more than the cortisone shot, or anything else that i tried before this. i hope that no one who is reading my blog  has the need for physical therapy, but if you do, i highly recommend it. ( just make sure you stock up on ice packs)

i had a wonderful time seeing my children and of course, gabriel, my grandson, this weekend. gabriel is giving my husband and me some really good smiles and he is telling us stuff in baby-speak. mainly, coos and ahhs, but we get the general idea. i am still in the "wonder" phase of being a grandparent. you know, the " isn't he just the best thing ever" and " how did i get so lucky?" phase. of course, i absolutely conked out after they left. gabriel was not the only one ready for a nap!

to sum up the message in my blog: 1. have your tests done- be brave and just do it. 2. find your "zumba" and de-stress so that you will be happy. 3. enjoy your family and friends. enjoy your life. appreciate all of  the good things and remember to give good things back to others. 4. last, but not least, thank you to everyone that  reads my blog. whether you comment or not, you are important to me. i hope that by me  sharing my story , it  has helped you in some way. now THAT makes me happy!

"chain,chain,chain,chain,chain,...chain of fools. you got me where you want me. i ain't nothing but your fool. ya treated me me mean, oh, you treated me cruel. ...my doctor said, "Take it easy."... chain of fools. one of these mornings the chain is going to break.. chain of fools, chain of fools, .." Chain of fools, written by Don Covey, and i always listen to Aretha Franklin sing this one!

i had my ultrasound of my neck and lymph nodes, as well as extensive blood work done last week. it is  an out of town trip,about a nine hour round trip, so we spent the night with my daughter and son-in-law. ( that is always something that i look forward to  when i have to do these tests). of course, my blood work results will not be back for about a week or so, but i got the ultrasound results right away. here is the official wording: " No residual tissue or enlarged lymph nodes visualized in either the right or left neck". YIPEE!!  i asked the ultrasound technician to please go over the right area of my neck, near my ear, because when i had my initial visit with the surgeon, two years ago, he was sure i had a positive lymph node in the area under my ear. of course, he biopsied that lymph node and it came back negative. never hurts to check,though. and the ultrasound technician was very nice about doing so.

i hate to admit this, but i was extremely nervous about this test, this time. i have to have these tests done  every six months( the next one is already scheduled for september 27th). i have said that i am grateful that my doctor gives me such good care, but these tests cause a lot of  anxiety for me and my husband. i am not exactly sure why, but i was afraid that there was something wrong this time. when i had my I-131 treatment almost two years ago , the radiologist told me that i had one positive lymph node, and that my tumors were unencapsulated, and diffusely infiltrative into my lymphatic system. two of my parathyroids were malignant, as well. i would not worry as much( ok. i would worry some, because i am a worrier by nature) if everything had been in a neat little package and had not spread. that said though, my initial  full body scan showed that everything was confined to my neck area, and had not spread to my lungs or beyond. sometimes i feel that this cancer has been like a ball and chain around my neck. it is not what defines me, but it certainly is in the definition, if you know what i mean.

if you were to look me up in Websters dictionary, and if i were to be in there, here is what you would see:

bea young-smith, n. 1. devoted wife, mother, and grandmother. 2. spiritual;  loves her family and friends. 3. registered pharmacist. believes that the most important part of her job is to counsel patients and help educate them about their health care so that they can make good choices and be as healthy as possible. 4. thyroid/parathyroid cancer survivor.


i am grateful to be a survivor. and i try to be as positive as i can be in my life. i want to have a good, happy life and not drag this cancer around  with me like a ball and chain. it gets in my way! it makes me angry, and it has definitely changed my life. not all of the changes have been negative,though. through this blog i have met some incredible people. i really appreciate their presence in my life, and i have learned so much from them. and i have had the privilege to meet some other thyroid cancer survivors in my work and we have shared our stories and information. i guess like everybody's life, my life is a work in progress. i just have the added advantage of knowing that i must make the best of my life and be grateful and happy for everything good that comes my way. i am about ready to lose the ball and chain,though. anybody have a saw?

"mama said there'll be days like this, there'll be days like this mama said. (mama said, mama said). come on, mama said there'll be days like this, there'll be days like this my mama said. " Mama said, by dusty springfield

first of all, HAPPY FIRST DAY OF SPRING!! of course, if you live in the southeast, like me, we have had no winter basically, so the celebration is not quite as meaningful. i do like all four seasons, but for some reason, mother nature decided not to send us any snow this year :(    . now, i do not like driving on the ice, but i do like to see a couple of big snows each winter. oh, well, maybe next winter. and i am still very happy to see the flowers up and blooming and my cherry trees blooming, AH-CHOO! oh, goodness,  did i mention that the tree pollen is very bad this year? a small price to pay for spring's loveliness, i guess.

i am getting along very well in physical therapy. i had a bad day, or a setback as my grandma would call it, this past sunday. it was my long week( i work six out of seven days, when i work the weekend) and i guess being on my feet all that time, and the floor being concrete and without mats to stand on,it just did my knee in. sunday night i was up most of the night with my knee hurting. my physical therapist told me that i would have these bad days occasionally until my knee completely healed. this reminded me of my impatience with myself after my surgery and then again, after my I-131. i would seem to take one step forward, and two steps back. we all have our own timetable on healing, i think, and we must be patient with ourselves. i always try to do too much, think that i am able to do what i did before, and pretty much think that i am still 24 instead of, well, 50" something. "


i thought that this would be a good time to remind everyone out there who are  struggling to get well after surgery or the I-131, or those of you who are  struggling with low energy associated with being hypothyroid, to be patient with yourself. get more rest. remember not to be too hard on yourself. you will probably not be able to get EVERYTHING that you wanted to get done, done. but as my mom used to tell me, "don't worry honey, your housework will be there tomorrow." boy, was she right on that one! we all have our new normals now, which is not a bad thing. i am trying very hard to have more fun, more "me" time. i have just recently been made aware ( it was april 20th, 2010 when i got the news that i had thyroid cancer) that life is short, uncertain. you need to have fun as well as do meaningful things with your life. not that i always succeed in this noble venture, but i am trying. and if all else  fails, i  just try to  remember what my  mama said, "there'll be days like this," and this too shall pass.

"i need love, love to ease my mind. i need to find someone to call mine. but mama says, you can't hurry love. she said, you just have to wait. she said, love don't come easy, it's a game of give and take. you can't hurry love, no. you just have to wait. you got to trust, give it time. NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES!" can't hurry love, by diana ross and the supremes

 i had my first physical therapy session last wednesday. it was sort of a" getting to know" you kind  of thing. what impressed me though, was that  the physical therapist, after a few tests of her own, came to the exact same conclusion as my doctor ( and he had the MRI and x-ray to look at). she said that i have done some damage to the meniscus in my right knee, but also that i have a lot of swelling and inflammation behind my right knee cap. ( this is new information and probably explains why it still hurts so much). she said that if i were to go right back to zumba that i would probably injure my knee enough to have to have surgery. i told her that i was worried that i would embarrass myself by falling. i also was worried about taking another person with me if i fell. zumba usually is not a contact sport, per se, but i have accidentally hit someone, and i have been hit myself. when that music gets cranked up and people start moving, well, it is to be expected, i guess.

she gave me a sheet with six exercises to practice at home. i am sad to report that  i have lost a lot of muscle mass in my right knee area. i did not know this, but a person can begin to lose muscle mass/tone in only three days after an injury! i was used to doing an hour of zumba and 20 minutes of standing abs anywhere from once to three times a week. you would think that i was in pretty good shape? used to be i guess because i broke out in a sweat trying to do those simple exercises! wow, how embarrassing. i really have a long and winding road back to zumba, for sure. after a couple of weeks, i get to use the rehab exercise equipment in the wellness center. i guess that this will be a recumbent bicycle and maybe the treadmill? I WILL JUST HAVE TO WAIT. oh brother, i am not good at waiting. i am missing my zumba/endorphins but i will have to be patient. i am thankful though, that i have a very good physical therapist, who wants me to get better and back to ( her words i promise) my normal. 


here we go with the catch phrase, "the new normal", again. i can not help but think of the movie( my favorite) "young frankenstein." gene wilder sends igor into the brain depository to get a brain for his creature. igor drops the one he is supposed to get, and gets another one. when things turn out horribly wrong with the creature, gene wilder asks igor just what brain he got.. igor says, "abby something" " abby something? " gene asks. igor says  "yes, i remember now, her name was "abby normal." that cracks me up every time i see that scene. (and trust me, i have seen it a lot). i am feeling a little abby normal myself right now. oh, well, i will just have to wait. you can not hurry physical therapy or your stubborn knee.

" Are you standing outside, looking up at the sky. cursing a wandering star? Well if i were you, i'ed throw rocks at the moon. i'ed say, damn you wherever you are" " I should have sent roses." Leon Russell and Elton John from their album, Union.

two things struck me about these lyrics. pardon the pun. first, cursing the wandering star- which i mentioned in an earlier blog. and of course, throwing rocks at the moon. i have an ultrasound at the end of this month, and some obligatory blood work, of course. i have to be tested every six months because my cancer had spread a bit, as i have mentioned previously. i have very ambiguous feelings about these every six months tests. first of all, i am thankful that i have a great doctor who cares enough to test me every six months. you do not have to tell me that the earlier you detect cancer, the better. on the other hand, testing is stressful but it is more than just  that. i get depressed( OMG what if they find something?) and surprisingly, because i am not usually like this- my pollyanna self notwithstanding, i get mad as hell. i have never said " why me" or "poor pitiful me" but it still makes me angry that i got cancer! and this anger does me about as much good as throwing rocks at the moon. ( it would certainly  not work with me, because as my husband is fond of telling me, i can not hit the broadside of a barn)

i have been able to work out some stress and i will admit, anger, by going to zumba class. well, i have not been able to go now for about two months because of my knee injury. yesterday, since i could not contact my fairy godmother and ask her to wave her magic wand over my knee and make it all better, i set up a schedule for some physical therapy. it is in a rehab center right next to the wellness center where i took, and by golly will take again, zumba. my first appointment is this coming wednesday. i always have wednesday off, in an otherwise crazy and different every week, schedule. i am not sure how i will work in more than once per week- the doctor suggested 2-3 times a week. i work long hours and one to two evenings per week. but on wednesday, i am planning to be there. they told me to wear my workout clothes. do you think that they meant my belly scarves? i guess i will have to save them for when i go back to zumba. i am not sure if the physical therapy exercises  will be in a large room with several people, or a private space. i am not even sure what they will do, but if it will help, i will do it.

as cancer patients, we have a lot of stuff to deal with. as individuals, we need to find activities that help our minds and bodies deal with our many challenges. zumba was my special activity. it helped my mind ( i am finding out) more than my body even. hopefully, after some physical therapy i will be healthy enough to dance again. for me, music and dancing are  much better ( and safer for my husband and neighbors) than me throwing rocks at the moon. i will keep everyone posted on my progress in physical therapy. and i sincerely hope that if you have not found your special coping activity, you will very,very soon.

a quick thank you and an update....

first and most importantly, i would like to thank my wonderful son-in-law, who helped get me started blogging, for the overhaul on my blog. he is a wizard, i think- of course it could have something to do with the fact that he is a computer software engineer, on the computer. we had our heads together discussing how i wanted my blog to look, what i wanted my wallpaper to look like, what pictures i wanted to include,etc. his fingers just flew over the keys. did you know that each color has its own number/letter sequence? wow, i would like to say that i learned a lot, but i just gave some input/feedback, and he did the rest. thanks,sweetie- you are the best!

my friend that i told you about in an earlier blog, the one with the untreated thyroid disorder, finally got an appointment with an endocrinologist. she found out that she has nodules,too. they are small, but the doctor says that one of them looks "suspicious". getting that news gave me the chills! i am encouraging her to get a biopsy, of course ,when she goes back to the doctor next week. i am not sure why the doctor did not prescribe some thyroid hormone for her- maybe he will when she goes back. i told her that i would do my best to get her in to see the doctor that my daughter and i see if she is not pleased with the treatment she is receiving now. this just seems scary to me. i would give,( while not anything) , pretty much, to have caught my cancer earlier. it is hard to second guess things, and i try to remind myself of this fact. i have had one good scan- cancer free that is, last  fall.at the end of  next month, i am due for another ultrasound and more blood work. i love/hate the tests! i dread having to go through having them, but on the other hand, i want to know how i am doing. no more hoping, wishing, etc, that things will  get better on their own. i now take the bull by the horns, so to speak.

so, i am hoping that the next blog that i write will be about my triumphant return to zumba class! my knee is still not ready, but i am hoping that it will be healed up enough and  soon. i think that my belly scarves are getting dusty in the closet. along with my dance shoes and exercise clothes. will everything still fit? will my knee let me down again, or will i energetically dance across the floor( with modified moves- no knee twisty things). stay tuned for the adventures of "zumba grandma". hopefully, coming soon to the wellness center.......

" I was born under a wanderin' star, i was born under a wanderin' star; wheels are made for rollin', mules are made to pack, i've never seen a site that didn't look better looking back...mud can make you prisoner, and the plains can bake you dry. snow can burn your eyes, but only people make you cry. ..when i get to heaven tie me to a tree. or i'll begin to roam and soon you'll know where i will be. i was born under a wanderin' star, a wanderin', wanderin' star. " I was born under a wanderin' star" various artists, from the movie " paint your wagon"

my family and everyone who knows me well would laugh to think that i believe this song describes me. but it does, really. but not in the way you might think. sure, i am a home body- big time. i would much rather rent a movie and eat in rather than go out. and my idea of a great vacation is to stay home and remodel, or work on the yard. o.k., i do like a week at the beach in the fall (fall weather is perfect for a freckled, redhead) but i am always so happy to get back home. i miss the familiar- my house, my dogs and cat,etc.

the reason i think that this song describes me is that i feel that my life is somehow connected to a wanderin' star. not that anyone knows how their life will turn out, but it seems that mine has taken so many twists and turns lately. i could never imagine losing both of my parents in the space of three  years, and being diagnosed with cancer in between that.i have never been bitter or angry about having cancer. i know that so many people have it much worse than i do. i see it at work almost every day. i have never felt sorry for myself either- for just that reason. so what if a lot of my hair fell out after my I-131 treatment? at least i had most of my hair.  i see bald women every day who bravely deal with chemo for their breast cancer. so what if i had nausea ( almost vomiting, but not quite) for a week or so  after the I-131? so many cancer patients  get prescriptions filled for anti-nausea medications and my heart goes out to them.

i saw the movie 50-50 last night. (yes, we watched it at home). i cried through a lot of it. especially the part when the young guy's doctor tells him that he has cancer. the doctor had a terrible bedside manner, but more than that, the guy reacted a lot like i did. he blocked out most of what the doctor said and could only hear two words- his name and the word cancer. this is a common reaction, i think, after what i have read and heard from other people. another part that got to me was how alone the cancer patient felt. yes, i had wonderful support from my family and friends, but let's face it- when it comes to the surgery, dealing with the issues, doctor's appointments,etc, YOU ALONE have to deal with these things. the night before the cancer surgery is terrifying. you are not sure if you will even make it through the surgery. you are not sure of the outcome, or what other treatment lies ahead.

even though my star seems to be dragging me through situations that i could never imagine having to deal with, i still remain positive. i have tried to make the best of everything and keep on going. a lot of people have commented on my excess of energy. really?? i do not think i am very energetic. i just keep moving so that i can get things done  that are important to me. i do admit that occasionally  i push on past my limit, but i really do try to get more rest than i did before i got sick. sleep is good- just ask dr. oz!

to follow up, i got the cortisone injection in my knee, and it was not as bad as i thought that it would be. i would certainly recommend it for anyone suffering from chronic knee pain. i am not back to zumba yet, but i see it in my future. my rheumatologist wants me to start walking some before i just jump back into zumba. i will be wearing two slip on knee braces to help protect my knees, but i am so excited at the prospects of going back to class. i will just have to be more careful this time. instead of "knee twisty" moves, i will be the one shaking her booty (and belly scarf coins) . and here's hoping my wanderin' star leaves me alone- for a little while at least.