does anyone remember that old song by roger miller called King of the Road? well i wrote some lyrics which follow, and you can sing along using that tune. or if you are not as old as i am, you can just read them.

zumba shoes for sale or rent,


belly scarves, fifty cents.


health membership for free,


you see, i've got this busted knee.


they say," no pain and you get no gain",


but did they mean you get hit by a train?


i don't want to be a big old slouch,


QUEEN OF THE COUCH.


this blog kept me awake  last night. well, that and my knee pain. i was having a blog attack as my husband likes to call them. what really got me going was some news that i got yesterday. you see, a friend of mine has been dealing with some thyroid issues for a little while now. her regular doctor told her, that despite a TSH of 4 and many symptoms of hypothyroid disease( hair loss, feeling cold, weight gain when she eats like a bird- really, like a little bitty sparrow,  extreme tiredness,etc, ) she was in the " normal" range. i wonder what planet he came from! and i would be willing to bet that if he had a TSH of 4 and the symptoms she has been having that he would get help ASAP. i advised her to buy a couple of good books on hypothyroid disease( to review, by two favorite ones are: The Thyroid Sourcebook, 5th edition by M. Sara Rosenthal, and Mary Shomon's Living Well With Hypothyroidism, revised and updated edition) . and i am also trying to help her locate a doctor near by who will take her problems seriously and will help her..nothing makes my blood boil quite so quickly as someone having hypothyroid symptoms ( i.e., suffering,) and not be able to get their doctor to help them!!ARRG!!!

getting back to her  TSH level.  her doctor said that the " normal range" was up to 5. in Ms. Rosenthal's book, she said that the old standards were values collected from a group ( study) of  men, some of whom were actually hypothyroid themselves. she recommends treating at 2.5. the new standard is 3.0. either way, my friend needs to be treated. i am on a mission, and i will do everything in my power to help her. why am i such a gorilla warfare  fighter in the land of untreated elevated TSH and hypothyroid symptoms? well, i myself went untreated for several years. that is a whole other blog, but i do not want to see it happen to anyone else. i will keep everyone updated on my friend's progress.

in the meantime, i am seeing my rheumatologist on wednesday and will let him review my MRI. i will probably have the dreaded " needle" ( aka, cortisone injection) if he thinks that it will help. at this point i am ready to try just about anything to get better. and i need to get  back to zumba before i really do have to sell my dancing shoes.

"just shoot for the stars if it feels right; ...take me away, make it okay, i swear i'll behave. maybe it's hard when you feel like you're broken and scarred; nothing feels right, but when you are with me, i'll make you believe;... i've got the moves like jagger; i've got the moves like jagger. " Moves like Jagger" by Maroon-5

as some of you might know, i had a little "accident" in zumba the first of this month. i was all into the song, my right foot was  planted on the dance floor, and instead of my shoe pivoting, my body went on with out my foot! i heard a pop and then my endorphins kicked in and of course, although it was the first song of the evening, i stayed until the end of the class! not one of my brighter ideas. i thought that i was o.k. until about 30 minutes after the class. that is how long it takes me to get home from the wellness center. i thought that i was truly not going to be able to walk into  the house! i suffered for a couple of weeks, then went to convenient care and they sent me on to an orthopedic doctor. i had my MRI done this past friday, and today i had my reveal show.

i have a small, thank goodness, tear in the meniscus of my right knee, which will heal eventually without surgery( they told me that i might have to have surgery, and i was of course worried about that). that is the good news. the bad news is that i have really bad arthritis in both of my knees, and have hardly any "cushion" between the bones. the doctor told me that he could shoot some cortisone in there- i told him that i would have to get back to him on that. i am not a big fan of needles- especially when they are inserted into an already painful area.he told me to come back to see him when i was "crying". well, i have already been doing that, and i still am not ready for the "needle".  he also recommended that i take some cosamin ds to help build some cushion, and i plan on doing that. i am taking ibuprofen and using ice packs,too. driving home and trying to bend my knee is the most painful thing.

i asked him when i could go back to zumba. he said that  i could go back anytime that i felt ready- but  i would need to "adjust" my workout so as not to re-injure a knee. i am planning for the first week of february- it will have been a month since the injury. i will just put on my zumba clothes, my belly scarf( of course- color coordinated to match my tee shirt) and a knee brace or two. i decided that whatever moves  i can not do physically, i will do them in my head. or maybe, if we are doing a move that is impossible for my knees i will just shake the coins on my belly scarf. now, i am not saying that i have mick jagger moves ( o.k. maybe in my head, i do) but i think that i can still do pretty well in zumba class. i am so glad that i do not have to give this up. it has truly been my prozac, as well as helping me to regain some of the strength i lost after my surgery/chemo.

i have always wondered why anyone would want to return to an activity that has injured them. not just professional athletes, but i have known some runners and bikers who have had injuries requiring surgery, and returned to their sport just as soon as they were able. i finally get it! that sport or physical activity fulfills a need and once you realize that, you do not want to give it up. good health requires an active mind, body and spirit. i will admit that i have come upon this realization quite late in life, but better late than never, i guess.

i think that everyone should have their own special day or two

tuesday, january 17th, would have been my mom's 80th birthday. so, i declared that day "wear red for gaby day". red was my mom's favorite color. and not a wimpy red, but a stop sign,red. so yesterday, i wore a red sweater, red necklace and earrings, and red shoes. my husband wore a red tie ( and red underwear, but hopefully no one saw that!). my children wore red as well. i good friend of mine, who happens to have the same birthday as my mom, also wore red.

now i know that we have many important " awareness of this or that day". the different cancers,heart disease,etc. but i also think that we should seize and name certain days of our own. i celebrate may 19th as my cancer free day. it will be two years this may 19th( my surgery day). i consider it my cancer liberation day, but i guess that is not entirely true, since i needed the I-131 in july to kick the rest of the cancer bums out of my house. still, last year on may 19th, my husband sent me a beautiful arrangement of flowers to work. i had made a cake for us for that evening. i am so thankful to have this day to celebrate! my favorite color is green, so i will wear green this year on may 19th. the day is evolving for me, so i will keep editing the "rules" for the day.. i hope that every cancer survivor, thyroid or other, will celebrate their "liberation" day. it is special, and you are special for dealing with things and fighting your best fight.


my good friend( the one who wore red yesterday) sent me a bracelet for Christmas. it is pink( one of our thyroid cancer colors) and says on one side" life is tough". on the other side it says" but i am tougher.". i love this sentiment. i do not know if it is always true, but i hope so. i aspire to always maintaining  a positive attitude about my thyroid cancer and hopefully helping others along the way.

this weekend at work, i talked with a man who had had his thyroid" killed" as he put it, because he was so hyperthyroid. he had had the I-131 and we talked about that for a while. he told me a little about his story, and i told him a little about mine. when he left, he said, thank you for sharing your story with me, i feel blessed.  and last week, i happened to answer the phone at work and on the line was a young woman who had had thyroid cancer several years ago and basically has been without care since then. her TSH was up to 49 and no one knew what to do for her. i told her that she needed to go see an endocrinologist, or at least a doctor who specialized in treating thyroid disorders. i told her about mary shoman's website, aboutthyroid.com. she should be able to find a doctor, they have patient reviews there, who will meet her needs.

it makes me happy to know that i can help someone else with thyroid disease, especially cancer, in some small way. i am always amazed at the way that i am pretty much always the person( we have four pharmacists on staff) that ends up meeting these people. it seems to be coincidence, but who knows. of course, i do wear not one, but two, thyroid cancer ribbons on my lab jacket. and i wear the thyroid cancer bracelets, along with the pink bracelet my friend gave me.

so hooray for awareness days, be they national or personal ones. make your own rules, enjoy the day, honor a loved one's memory, or just have cake.

My new years resolutions? i do not believe in them.

i have always hated new years resolutions. to me they scream disappointment. somehow, i always tried to go for impossible to attain goals," world peace", "losing weight",etc.  so of course i would not succeed in my resolutions. finally, after agonizing over new years resolutions for several years, i decided enough was enough! what a relief. one less thing to worry about.

instead of making resolutions, i have decided to spend  the day being  thankful for all my many blessings ( o.k. i know this sounds a little like the thanksgiving holiday). i do take stock of a few things in my life- just to be sure my train is on the right track and not headed for derailment or something. instead of trying something new, i just try to be sure that i am following my life plan, so to speak. i came up with my life plan after i found out that i had cancer. seems funny, but coming close to death made me think about how i wanted to live my life. what was important to me, what i needed to do to get my body healthier. i  often think  of a line in a bob dylan song. to paraphrase, he says " your body is your temple, keep it beautiful and pure". in the song  he was referring to not letting the TV monster into your life so much. he is right on that one. i try my best not to watch any violent programs on TV, and i try ( i do not do as well on this) not to watch too much of the nightly news.

adding regular exercise has been such a huge positive step in my life plan. it is my "prozac"- it really lifts my mood(the endorphins, i guess). and of course, i feel better, can move a little easier, and it has helped me lose weight. best of all, like i have said a couple of million times, it is fun. i can not sing very well since my surgery, but it did not affect my dancing to the music. honestly, i feel like grace kelley in zumba class. i know for sure that i do not dance  like her of course. i have never been able to walk in high heels, much less dance in them, and i am pretty sure that grace did not ever do the belly roll or  the booty shake. bet she  would have liked them,though!

on a side note, i did indeed have the open house for my neighbors. i sort of waited until the last minute,though. i was not sure if i could pull it off. we decided on friday night, to have it on sunday afternoon. we sent out invitations and called people as well. here are the things i was worried would happen:

1) no one would come. o.k. well, we have two dogs and they could help us eat all of the food, so maybe that would not be so bad.

2)everyone would come- would i have enough food? we over-did on this one, but we sent almost everyone home with a little treat bag.

3) my greatest fear: my house would not be clean enough. i have dust bunnies that hide throughout my house. i was afraid that they would mobilize into a small army and attempt a coup just as my guests arrived. luckily, this did not happen.

we had about twenty people over, and we had a very good visit with everyone. the food turned out fine, and my Christmas decorations were still up, so the house looked all cozy. our neighbors had been so curious about our 3 and a half month renovation.  they had seen so many  things being ripped out of  our house : wood,shingles,windows,flooring,etc, and  being stacked up outside. i felt that it would be a good idea to let them see the final reveal, so to speak. we did not add on, we just re-purposed the space( to use a trendy word). our house is more livable for us now. that is a part of my life plan,too, i guess. my husband and i wanted to make our house suit our lifestyle a little more. one example, is that i love to read- and one of the rooms( used to be our bedroom) is now a library. it is my favorite room, i think.

so i hope that everyone had a great new years, and that if you did happen to make resolutions that they are attainable, good ones. as for me, i am just going to keep doing what i have been doing since my diagnosis. and of course, i will keep doing what my doctor told me at the end of my last visit: Zumba on!!

"..this is how i roll, animal print pants out of control....look at that body, look at that body, look at that body, I WORK OUT!! . ... I'M SEXY AND I KNOW IT!....when i walk in the spot, yeah, this is what i see, everybody stops and they staring at me.... i ain't afraid to show it, I'M SEXY AND I KNOW IT!". "sexy and i know it" by LMFAO

i had a wonderful visit with my grandson, gabriel. and my son, daughter-in-law, daughter and son-in-law, but by golly when gabriel left today, i took off my grandma jeans and put on my fitness pants! they fit me like a glove- black and so comfortable. i got them from LL bean if anyone is interested. i am proud to say that when i started working out, i had to get a size  large. now i am in a medium!! yeah. this is a milestone for me. i think that  i will probably stay in a medium( which is o.k. with me) , but you never know, i could manage to get down to a small at some point, in a galaxy far,far away.

so, my daughter and son-in-law got to stay an extra day with us. naturally shelley and i headed up to my zumba class. the absolute best zumba classes that i have ever taken  are the ones that  i get to go to with my daughter. i have been to about 4 classes near where she lives, and she has been to about the same amount of  my classes. we laugh and cut up a lot, i can tell you that. my instructor says she likes to see my daughter come because she has so much energy. she energizes our class, you might say. i am amazed at how well my daughter can do the routines. it will be a new dance to her, and somehow she ends up doing it better than me( and i will have done it several times before). it really does not bother me,though. this grandma can shake the coins on her belly scarf pretty darn good!

my husband has said many times  that me getting sick was good for both of us, in some ways. our nutrition improved, and we started getting regular exercise. we both have lost weight, which is good. of course, we have to hit the advil bottle after we get back home from the wellness center. and we always  drink plenty of orange juice to prevent night time leg cramps. but all and all it has been great. why did we not do this before? hopefully, we can benefit from the changes we have made. at any rate, it is fun and that is the whole secret. if zumba was not fun, i could not make myself go every week. besides, where else can a 50 something grandma dance around to " I'm sexy and i know it" with a (sort of) straight face?

seasons greetings!

i would like to take this opportunity to wish everyone out there a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, happy Kwanza,  and so forth. during this busy time of the year, i know that  it is hard to make time to stop and be thankful for your friends and family. but that is what i am doing this year. losing my dad this year was so hard, and memories of past Christmases keep surfacing at the strangest times. sometimes i laugh, sometimes i cry, but i am thankful to have had my parents for as long as i did. while  i wish that i could have had them longer, i am lucky to have had a wonderful relationship with both of them. we were always together at holidays, and i talked to them almost every day, and towards the end, i saw them several times a week.

last week, i had another squamous cell carcinoma removed from my other leg. that makes three so far. now this is nothing as serious as  melanoma, and i do not have to do anything further as far as treatment goes. this one was about half the size of the other two. my dermatologist said, " good eye, bea, you are getting good at this!". well, i really do not want to get good at finding skin cancers on my body, but i am trying to be proactive and take care of myself. this is just another reminder, as if i needed one, to try to enjoy life, appreciate my family and friends, and try to take care of myself. i do not want to put my family through the pain of losing a parent/spouse.

i hope that everyone out there is taking the time to get some rest ( we cancer survivors need that at all times of the year, but especially now). enjoy the little things- watch holiday movies, pop popcorn, play a board game with your family. probably there is a whole generation out there who has no idea what board games are. imagine, no batteries or game system required! last year for Thanksgiving, our power went out for several hours. my grown children were all visiting, and they were scattered all through the house. my son was playing video games, my daughter was watching TV, etc. when the lights went out, everyone gathered in our kitchen. we had found an oil lamp, and my husband made a fire in the fireplace. pretty soon, my son was entertaining everyone with a funny story. we laughed and laughed that evening. it was one of the best Thanksgivings that i have ever had. ( i will have to admit that we did get our dinner in before the power went off).

i hope that no one  loses their power over the holidays , but i do hope that you can find the time to be together as a family. appreciate this time and hold the memory in your heart forever. that is my Christmas wish for all of you!

All i want for Christmas is a nap!!

is everyone as exhausted as i am? this time of the year is so much fun- so exciting, so many things to do. but it is so hectic. along with work and our "regular chores" we have so many extra things to do. i love shopping( to a point, that is). i have to admit that LLbean ,amazon.com, and a couple of other places are some of my  best friends. just point and click! free shipping, no waiting in line at the mall and best of all, i can shop in my pajamas! i am finding out that the older i get, the more i shop on line. i am proud to say that i have never, ever been shopping on black friday( too scary for me). frankly, i have never seen anyone offer savings that are  worth risking life and limb.

as usual, i am behind in most things" Christmas". i have not sent out Christmas cards, or wrapped any gifts yet. my house is decorated though- inside and out. my husband wants to have an open house for our neighbors sometime next week. the thought really terrifies me! i have to decide soon,though, so i can send out invitations. it would be a casual drop-in kind of thing. of course, i would have to cook. i love to cook, but i am not sure that i could get everything ready in time. sometimes i really wish that i could borrow martha stewart for a day or two. but i get tired just watching her show sometimes. where does she get the energy to do all those crafts? and making your own chocolate chips for chocolate chip cookies? really?

 i will probably have my neighbors over.i have wonderful neighbors, and it is nice to get together during the holidays and chat a bit. so...... nobody will think that martha stewart catered my get together. and someone  just might spot a dust bunny somewhere in the house. hopefully, i will be able to remind myself that the fellowship is the important thing, and not homemade chocolate chips. and i have ten days...no, make it nine, to get all of my Christmas stuff done. i sincerely hope that all of you are enjoying the holidays, not overdoing things, and maybe, just maybe have time for a little nap.

Welcome to the world, Gabriel Robert!!

i have a brand new grandson- my first grandchild! he was born on saturday, december 3rd at 1:16pm. i was at work( of course) but the next day after work, i had the car all packed and my husband and i headed on down to the hospital. he lives about 4 hours from us. i wish that  it was  not so far, but i am not going to let that slow me down. i got to spend the night, and we got to see them( they checked out on monday) for most of the next day.

he is so beautiful! dark hair, and dark blue eyes. the pediatrician told my son  that gabriel's  eyes would probably stay dark blue( they are the same color that my husband and daughter have). he has my son's nose, and my dad's large hands and fingers. my dad had strong hands and it makes me happy that gabriel will,too.  my son and daughter-in-law used robert- after my dad- for his middle name. i think that is just so sweet. the only thing that he got from me, that i can tell so far anyway, is my unfortunate habit of hiccuping at the drop of a hat! wow, what a thing to pass on to a little one. evidently he hiccups non-stop, several times a day. i know babies do this, but my babies did not do it quite as much as little gabriel does. hopefully, in a little while, the hiccuping will abate a little. i thought about slipping him some cola syrup( works like a charm), but when i mentioned it my daughter-in-law looked a little horrified. i told them to check with the pediatrician, of course, since he is so little.

the first time that i held him was at the hospital. he was a little fussy by the time we got down there, so he cried. i was afraid that he would cry every time that i held him! what if he did  not like me or something? but the next day, i held him a lot and he did not mind it- in fact, now  i can get him to go to sleep pretty easily, unless he is hungry of course! he needs his mom for that( she is breast feeding). i am so proud of my son- i love to look at him looking at gabriel. and he jumped right in there and has changed as many ( or more) dirty diapers as my daughter-in-law. i can tell that he is going to be a wonderful, " hands on" daddy.

the Christmas season has been sad without my dad. and of course, i have wanted to call him with news of gabriel. there are just so many things that i would love to share with my dad. we talked every day, and of course, he always stayed with us during the holidays. but gabriel could not have come at a better time. that little seven pound bundle of joy has really lifted the spirits of everyone in our family.

Welcome back, it has been a long time.......

i have been grieving. try as i might, i could not force myself to write in my blog because writing this is a joyful experience for me. i have not been able to experience any joy, really, since my dad got sick- on august 14th, and try as i and all his doctors might, passed away on october 10th.

my dad was a wonderful person, to me and many others. he was in excellent health, and drove where he wanted to go- mostly, and lived his life as he chose to- visiting his friends, attending his church, visiting my sister and me, and of course talking to and visiting his beloved grandchildren.

he was never worried about himself. after mom passed away a couple of years ago, he told us that he just wanted to spend whatever time he had left with his family. before he passed away, i was able to tell him that my full body scan, ultrasound and blood work all were negative. he told me that the news i am cancer-free really "eased his mind".  i did not tell him that i have to go back for ultrasounds and blood work every six months, since my cancer had spread a bit. i did not want to worry him. speaking of worry, i asked my endocrinologist if i am cancer free in five years am i "home free"?  she said not necessarily- she had a patient just last week, who after SEVEN  years had a recurrence of her cancer. oh, well, you know what? i am not going to worry about that. i will get my tests done, but i have a stronger sense of what is important and the even more urgent  need to live my life to the fullest. my dad was 85, but did not look a day over 70. he walked a mile and a half every day, and was ( so we thought) in very good health.

the thanksgiving holiday was difficult. but i urge everyone who is dealing with the loss of a family member to consider spending the holidays in a different way. in the past, i always cooked dinner, and my parents, and later just my dad, along with my children and their spouses, came to my house. my dad would spend  a few days with us. this year, our family had thanksgiving at my daughters house. we spent wednesday night with her and her husband. oh, and wednesday night- even though we probably should have been cooking- we went to zumba. it was the class she goes to at the honky tonk bar. i have to admit that i had fun. i really, really have missed zumba. i have just now gone back, as i am sure my dad would have wanted me to do. yes, it is exercise for sure, but i love it. it is so much fun.( i even purchased a belly scarf- red, of course, for the holidays)

my son and his wife are expecting my first grandchild in december . his name is gabriel robert. robert- after my dad. it was so sweet of my son and daughter-in-law to name him after my dad. my son and i both cried when he told me. i think this is the part of my blog where i should have elton john singing "the circle of life" or something like that. it really is true,though. i am still grieving, but slowly regaining my joy. gabriel will be a big part of that process. returning to my blog, and yes, zumba, will also help.

thanks to all of you out there who have had patience with me. those of you who have checked to see if i have written a new blog, who have not written me off ( no pun intended). i will try my best not to disappoint you. i hope that everyone had a great thanksgiving- spent in a joyful way, giving thanks for our families and friends. giving thanks,too, for our lives and what we make of them.

P-L-E-E-E-E-Z-E excuse my math!!

it seems to me that some people think that cancer has an awfully lot to do with math. i will give you some examples. for one thing, only 5% of all thyroid nodules are cancerous. if you, like me, are in that elite 5%, that percentage has a whole different meaning( or none at all, perhaps). trust me, when my doctor called to tell me that i had cancer, i was not thinking about the other 95% of the population. i guess that you could say that 95% is an A, and i had just flunked the biopsy exam.

another example is from the american cancer society. according to them, here are the 5 year survival rates for three types of thyroid cancer:

papillary, stage I: 100%. stage II: 100%, stage III : 93%

follicular: stage I: 100%, stage II: 100%, stage III: 71%

medullary: stage I: 100%; stage II: 98%, stage III: 81%

compare these to breast cancer survival rates: stage I: 96%, stage II: 84%, stage III: 52%

perhaps this is why thyroid cancer is known(among those who  do not have thyroid cancer) as the "good cancer". this is another one of my pet peeves. who can call any cancer "good" for heavens sake! since i was diagnosed with stage III papillary cancer, i am in the 93% group. to be honest, that makes me a little nervous. let's face it, it is barely an A! joking aside, i am thankful that i had papillary stage III  and not follicular or medullary. worse still, and i will not talk about this one, is anaplastic .but if you are curious, it only, (thankfully ) accounts for 1.6% of all thyroid cancers. it is a " get your affairs in order quickly"  cancer. by that i mean that less than 1% of people diagnosed with anaplastic thyroid cancer are alive after just two years. sure does not sound too good to me.

i know that these percentages come from years of study and research. i have seen some variation,though, depending on the source. does that make a difference to me? not really. i did not even want to know what stage cancer i had until i was nearing my treatment. how could it have helped me? i think that it would only have discouraged me. when i was ready to find out, i was prepared to "fight" and do whatever i could to get better. being tested for cancer, then finding out that you have cancer is tough. so is surgery, treatment, the  after effects from your surgery and treatment , emotional issues,etc. . i think that it is good to take one step at a time. do the best that  you can do at each level and maintain as positive an attitude as you possibly can. knowledge is power- read all that you can, from reliable sources. but never lose hope. we are not machines. math percentages do not define us. in my career as a health professional, i have seen some  stage I cancer patients die quickly, and some  stage IV patients live a good long life.

hope, faith, love, the will to live- these things  factor into those percentages. and i can say that i am 100% sure of that!!

" I was born, i was born to be with you, in this space and time. ...Only love, only love can leave such a mark. but only love can heal such a scar. Only love, only love can leave such a mark. but only love, only love unites our hearts. " Magnificent, by U2.

i was heading on down the blue ridge parkway this week to visit my dad. the scenery is just breathtaking. it never ceases to amaze me that i could live in such a beautiful place! first, there is julian price park and their fabulous lake. it just shimmers in the afternoon sun, and is surrounded by beautiful mountains. i usually  almost run off the road looking at the lake as i drive past. then, a little on further down the road, i get to drive across the linn cove viaduct. this was an engineering feat due to the fact that the person who owned grandfather mountain would not allow the state to build a road which would impact his mountain. therefore, the state built a road that literally swings out over the side! you just have to see it to believe it. there  you are, close to the summit of the mountain, and your car is on a road that is just hanging onto  the side of the mountain. on a clear day, i have heard it said that you can see as far away as charlotte,n.c. personally, i  have never seen that far, but the mountains do go on and on into the horizon. and talk about the sunsets- magnificent! i was actually listening( and croaking along to) that song as i was driving across the viaduct. so appropriate, i thought.

i am bringing my dad home from the hospital tomorrow. he has been there for a month, and while he has made progress, he still has a hard road ahead of him. he promised that he would try his best to get better and do the things like physical therapy, that he needs to do to improve. we are hoping that he will somehow get back to how he was before he got sick. but i guess that now he has a "new normal", too. the first week he was so critically ill, i just ran on adrenaline i think. but now, i get so exhausted after a day at the hospital, the four hour round trip commute, etc. lucky for me, my husband has been my best friend through all of this and has gone with me most times and done all of the driving. truthfully, i found it hard to focus at times. i am not sure how much of this is due to my thyroid-less condition, stress, or just the fact that i am getting older. i am not one to complain about that,though. i am so happy to have birthdays- it is the alternative that scares me.

i am glad that i have been able to appreciate the small pleasures life offers. i appreciate the fact  that i could enjoy the beautiful scenery on the blue ridge parkway( next trip i plan to take some pictures- maybe include them in the blog if i can figure out how to do it!).no matter how stressed or busy that we are, we need to make time for the things that make us happy. i am so hoping to get back to zumba on saturday! my sister has said that she will visit dad that day so that i can go. i really miss the dancing- it is so good for me and it  makes me happy. i even ordered a new belly scarf- red(!). i hardly ever wear red( clashes with my red hair), but sometimes i wear it to honor my mother. red was her all time favorite color. so.... if my red belly scarf comes, if we have a zumba class this saturday , if my sister can visit my dad that day, i will get to spend an hour doing something that i love and that is good for me. if none of that happens, then i think that i will go for another drive on the parkway. and take pictures.

" and they knew all the places i needed to go, all of the people i needed to know. they knew who i needed, and who needed me. and who would come help me, and who would just let me be. i was in the hands of angels until this very day. inside the hands of angels, what more can i say?" In the Hands of Angels, by Leon Russell

this is a beautiful new song by leon russell and elton john. they did a collaboration cd recently, and a tour together( i unfortunately missed this). the cd is very good, i think. this song is especially meaningful to me lately. the decisions that i have had to make concerning my dad's care have been so hard. but sometimes, when i would listen carefully, the answer was right in front of me.

the world is constantly blasting information at us all. i try not to watch the news at night- it is depressing and it causes me not to sleep very well. when my dad was first in the hospital, i tried to read a book when he was napping. sometimes,though, i could not concentrate very well on my book and i would get out my smart phone and look at facebook or surf the web.  now, i like facebook, don't get me wrong. i have been able to reconnect with a couple of friends from elementary and high school that i was afraid i would never see again. it has been really nice to chat with them and catch up with what they have been doing. i can see how people, especially young people, get " addicted" to being in touch all of the time. that is a whole blog or two by itself,though.

i wish that i had the patience to meditate. i have tried, several times, maybe not hard enough. but to sit still and clear your mind- without making plans for the next few days,hours,minutes even, is difficult for me.i seem to do better with a plan and a schedule of events. another "good" thing cancer has done for me is to chip away at the feeling  that i have to be in control of everything. i mean, you have to be in charge of a lot of things- especially if you are a mom!- but some things you just have no control over. you have to learn how to just let go and let things happen sometimes. i am constantly having to remind myself to enjoy the small moments of my life. take a deep breath, and relax a little. who cares if the house is messy or you are behind in the laundry? well, o.k. i moan and groan a little about it, but i know that it will still be there tomorrow. that is what my mom always told me. " don't worry about the housework, honey, it will still be there tomorrow." boy, was she ever right about that one.

instead of the "new normal" i have a new,new normal now. i have to somehow find a way to go to work( that one is easy, i guess, i have bills to pay), visit my dad in the hospital,pay his bills, line up health care for him,see my family, oh, and i have sooooooooooooooo missed zumba! i have not been able to go back since my birthday, when i went with my daughter. i keep telling myself that i need to go for my good health, and if i am sick, who will take care of dad? i will make it back soon; next week, hopefully. i did order a new belly scarf last week- lime green- so i hope to have a chance to wear it soon.

i got a call from my doctors office today. my blood work was o.k. i am not sure of the numbers, but i will either get a copy in the mail, or i will request one when i go back for my ultrasound in a couple of weeks. i will admit that this has been the least of my worries,though. oh,jeez, that is another one of my problems. i am a worrier. i am worried about being a worrier- figures. guess i will have to work on that one,too. maybe some meditation will help.....

it has been a long time.....

first, an apology to my readers. i have had a medical emergency in my family, and i have not been able to blog for some time( or do much of anything else, to be honest). my dad almost died- he is 85 years old, my only remaining parent( my mom died a little over two years ago due to complications from  a stroke and multiple myeloma ) . i have decided to blog about the importance of having  a medical advocate, friend, loved one,etc. if you are involved in any medical situation. especially if you are in the hospital for surgery, or other treatment that renders you helpless. at the very least it helps to have two sets of ears to try to remember everything  that the doctors and other health professionals are saying. i try to go to my appointments  by myself, but if it is something really important, i bring my husband along to listen and take note of what is being said.

in one of my earlier blogs i said that the day i "got the news" i was at work. it really reminded me of the gary larson cartoon, where the man is talking to his dog and telling her " bad dog, ginger, you got into the trash again, etc, ".  that is what the guy is saying. what ginger actually hears is " blah blah, ginger, blah, blah, ginger". so my doctor was telling me about my papillary cell thyroid cancer, and all that i heard was" bea... cancer,  bea..... cancer". too bad no one was listening with me then.  when i saw the radiologist before my treatment with the radioactive I-131 ( after my surgery) i had my husband with me. good thing, because it was then that i found out that my cancer had spread into my lymphatic system, and two of my parathyroids, and in total i had lost eleven lymph nodes. the surgeon did not tell me this. my endocrinologist did not have the report when i went back for a follow up visit before my treatment . so that left this poor guy, who probably thought that  i already knew those  things, to have to be the one to tell me. i actually looked behind me when he was talking. i thought that perhaps he was addressing someone else in the room.

health care is an inexact science. mistakes are made, situations are mishandled. but it helps to have someone to listen for you when you can not. to make sure everything that can possibly be done to help you is being done, and in a timely manner. be pushy! get second opinions if you have a feeling " in your gut" that things are not right. act on those  feelings because you may only get one chance to do something that could ultimately affect every one's future.

i moved my dad from the smaller hospital, AGAINST  the recommendation of his physician. it was a hard decision for me, but i knew that my dad needed serious help and that he was not getting it at this particular hospital. what they diagnosed as a stomach virus turned out to be a blood clot which was obstructing the major artery into his small and large intestines. the larger hospital diagnosed him( with the same test that the smaller hospital had done) in about an hour. they had him in emergency surgery for over 4 hours. three surgeons worked on him, and his odds for making it through the surgery were not good. but my dad is tough and he is a fighter. several people told me, including the surgeons, that had i not moved him, he would only have lived for a couple of days.

he is on a rehabilitation floor of the hospital now. his recovery has been amazing, but at 85 years old, it is a bit slower than either dad or i would like for it to be. i try to remind us both to be patient. just as soon as he can, i am moving him home with around the clock nursing until he can care for himself. i am not sure how everything is going to work out in the future, but i am glad that i was there for him when he really needed me.

oh, i have not had the time to track down my blood report. my scan was good, as i said, but i am not sure about my blood work. it seems that the report  did not make it to my endocrinologists office.  i called the hospital, where i had the test done, and they said that  i could come by in person and they would give me a copy of the report. the hospital is an hour away from my home, and in the opposite direction of the hospital where my dad is staying. i am not sure when i will get to do this. i have an ultrasound scheduled for September 27th, with my endocrinologist, so it may just have to wait until then. of course i will share those results when i get them. i am hopefully going to be blogging on  a more regular basis since my dad is mostly " out of the woods".

one down, one to go.....

my doctor's nurse called me today( of course i was at work) and told me the good news. MY SCAN WAS NEGATIVE!! she is sending me a copy of the report- for my records. i am not sure if it will contain any information that will be useful later on, but i am still  going to put it with my other test results. i am not sure if i will have to have another scan done in a year? or later? the nurse was not sure. but at the end of next month, i have to have an ultrasound of my neck. my doctor says that she likes ultrasounds of the neck and blood work( checking for thyroglobulin/thy ab ) because  the few cases that required additional treatment( at least in her practice) were diagnosed that way. i am going to ask her about scans when i see her in september.

the blood work will take a few more days to come back. i am so thankful that she called me with the scan results, instead of waiting on the blood work. i had  the same blood test done just a few weeks ago, so i am not expecting it to be very different. i should not have to go home from work when she calls me, in other words.

i can honestly say, that dealing with the anxiety of testing was the worst part of this process for me. being on the LID was actually good for me- i found out that i am lactose intolerant, and have changed my diet. my stomach is so happy with me now! my voice is a little bit better,too. perhaps the reaction to the lactose in my diet was causing a little reflux and affecting my voice? just a theory i have, but it is possible. with the exception of a little nausea after the tracer dose( again, not sure if it was the medicine or lack of food), and a few needles sticks( one not so good) here and there, the physical part of the scan was not too  bad.

someone asked me if i feel like i have a dark cloud hanging over my head. wow. i am not sure if i would ask a cancer patient that or not, but a good question i guess. actually, i do not- most of the time. i feel a little bit of a cloud when testing time comes around. mostly, i just try to get on with my "new normal" life and try to be happy. that is all any of us can do, really. i have tried to make this into a positive experience- by blogging, changing my lifestyle/diet and just enjoying all of the good things that come my way. it has been a little over a year since my surgery/chemo and i still feel that way. i think that this has changed me forever, and this  is not a bad thing.

so, one down and one to go. i think that i am going to be o.k. now. i will let everyone know when my blood work results come back. until then, you can find me in my zumba class.  you will recognize me because i will be the one wearing a pink belly scarf , dancing my heart out.

"the w-a-i-t-i-n-g is the hardest part" you said it, tom

 i think that i got through my scan week pretty well. i was busy- i had to be at the hospital almost every day that week. the only "mini-meltdown" that  i had that week was on a day that i had off. i am afraid that "the what ifs" caught up with me. my former doctor, from duke, said to prepare myself for another round of treatment. o.k. i went to personnel and picked up some leave of absence papers. but truthfully, i do not think that anyone can be fully prepared for another treatment. in a thyca newsletter, it states that "thyroid cancer can sometimes reappear decades after initial treatment." you can do two things after reading that statement. you can: 1) live your life fearfully, negatively, and make everyone who loves you miserable, or 2) live your life in the most positive manner that you can. enjoying life's little pleasures and letting as much joy into your life as possible.

call me Pollyanna, but i choose option number two. i intend to make the very best of things that i can, and hope for the best. really, if you think about it, having cancer can be a positive thing. it has caused  me to  make major  changes in my life- adding exercise, improving my diet, appreciating my family and friends more, strengthening my faith,  just  to name just a few.

waiting on test results is hard, believe me. but i am trying not to worry about things too much. i have no control over what is going on now in my body. i can put good food in, exercise, think good thoughts, but that is really all that i can do. whatever happens, i will just deal with it in the best manner that i can. in the meantime, i will continue to live my" new normal" life, and enjoy it.

a good friend of mine just returned to work yesterday after a serious bout with colon cancer. she also had to have her gall bladder removed due to damage from the chemotherapy.  i called her to wish her a good first day back at work. she said that she was glad to be back at work, and back to her normal life. i said, you mean your "new normal" life? she laughed and said, well, that is true. my new normal life.

in some ways, cancer patients are "lucky". we are given the opportunity to examine our lives and make positive changes. we can improve the quality of our lives- and this influences the quality of our families lives as well. am i glad that i had cancer? HECK NO!! but, i will use this challenge to evaluate my life and do everything in my power to make the best of this situation.

today is my day off. tonight i will go to my zumba class and i will  wear my pink belly scarf, even though i might be the only one wearing one, just because it makes me happy. for that hour and 20 minutes, i will definitely not be thinking about test results or "what ifs". i am taking things one day at a time, and hoping for the best.